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I didn’t feel too dandy on my birthday 4 days ago. People would say it isn’t called happy birthday for no reason. I say that’s bollocks. I am allowed to feel whatever I can siphon from others’ emotions and delude myself like they’re my own. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have the vibration of the place I’m in and the ephemeris’ as contributing factors. I take these things into consideration. I don’t just say I should be happy because it’s what normal people dictate. It’s not my fault – sometimes the odds are against me.

The past week has been one of reliving the nightmare, so to speak. The repercussions of what I had done 5 years ago still reverberating in my consciousness ever so strongly, some memories added, some memories taken to converge into a vortex of self-pity. I want it to swallow me whole. For some hours I let it consume me and then I would appear on the other side of it beaming with temporary positive vibes. But something is amiss. I am not blind to that. I wonder how many people who believe in the law of attraction actually recognise that other factors are at work and if timing isn’t on your side, the law of attraction is just futile. Unless, of course, you’re Jesus who can bend space and time.

Lately I keep reliving my regret over what I did. Did his mother empathize with him? Does she or the people there in the household hate me, too? Probably not hate but some other less stronger word. Persona non grata. I know what I did was wrong, but what kind of fog has clouded over their heads should they think he didn’t need correction? I know, I know, probably not the kind of correction I brought upon him but, still, I cannot fathom how some minds simply decide to only grasp a partial story.

 

 

 

 

 

So lately the cosmos has alerted me to a flashback – specifically that Hong Kong birthday trip I took last year which stood out in my memory mainly because the keyword was pain. When I get repetitive alerts like this I know that there’s an important planetary transit at work. With the help of the Time Passages mobile app I have been able to study and read through some of my current planetary transits although I must admit it was a kind of reading material that was coarse at best. At least until the transit has passed, the effects described can only be understood in hindsight. I am writing about it exactly for that reason.

What really happened during my Hong Kong getaway? For some unknown reason at the time I felt like the memory of ELK was everywhere and I could not escape from it. In hindsight, I did think that it wasn’t him but it was more of how I dealt with my emotional issues regarding our fallout a long time ago. It was so excruciating. I remember castigating myself for still feeling something special towards him when last I heard in 2014 he was in a relationship. I guess that time alone made my denial – that I shouldn’t really care about him anymore because he had shut me out since that fallout –  more magnified, more urgent and pervasive than ever when seen against the broader point of view. Two things were clear: I was hopeless and, secondly, I was lying to myself.

Here’s the planetary transit as outlined in my Time Passages chart:

Processed with MOLDIV

 

Transit was strongest between April 20, 2016 and November 26, 2016. Curious that the resurgence of dreams about ELK started on November 7, 2016. The second period outlined was between January 31, 2017 and April 24, 2017. I remember sometime between late January and early February having an epiphany about how knowing what I already know provided an impetus for me to move forward honoring what my heart has always felt and let go of attempts to circumvent my spiritual progress. I remember writing about being in a point of no return. On the home front, the nagging feeling that I should speed up my plan to be independent and leave the comfort of living with my parents and siblings was so strong.

These overwhelming feelings prompted me to check on him on his social media account in October 2016. The couple pictures were deleted. He did look different in his pictures.

Receptive

Contrary to my mood few days ago when Moon was in Scorpio (which was also my Moon’s position at birth), I was a bit calmer today and kept in mind that there is only here and now and that is where my head should be at. Few things were immediately obvious when I was just being receptive and not reactive. 

I was aware of the signs, again, that the messengers would usually send me in the form of music I would accidentally hear wherever I go. I would seem to instantly feel the song’s message was for me. Again, the more logical part of me would react to that but since I am talking about being receptive instead of being judgmental here, I have to temper my logical side for a bit. Yes, I am aware of these exchanges for duality’s sake. 

Secondly, I was more attuned to serendipity. I decided to go to Healthy Options this afternoon to check out Selenium supplements. There wasn’t a lot of options for me that would not break my budget for this week, though, so I scrapped the idea. I thought of checking out if they maybe had Brazil nuts (great source of Selenium) or almonds. I did find almonds first and I was okay with buying a small pack of it but something in me kept holding back as my hands felt like I had to return it to its rack. I was going back and forth with this for a bit and I decided to  check out the bottom part of the nuts and protein bars section and, voila, to my surprise a pack of Brazil nuts was staring back at me. I couldn’t believe my eyes! Why? Because I had been looking for a seller of Brazil nuts online and I did get in contact with one local seller few months ago who informed me that they didn’t have it available at the time I inquired. 

I was even happier to see the price was similar to the online seller I first asked about it with and I need not pay for shipping fees. I went in there looking for Selenium but I got an even better deal because it’s the source of Selenium itself. An amazing find indeed! 

Signal

I’ve been having dreams about a computer or TV screen losing transmission or signal for like 3 or 4 times a week now. Again, earlier today I had the same dream with a similar theme, only this time I was in some sort of computer lab where desktop computers were still the bulky type. I had this thick manual on codes and errors that is expected to show up when a computer crashes and needs a reboot. I don’t understand any of it so I only browsed it and asked for help from the technician guys in the computer lab.

I watched an episode of the tv series, The Blacklist, shortly after having my nap and I saw a similar scene, only in this case an EMP caused it and wiped the laptop futile for future use.

IMG_6501

©NBC, The Blacklist

Sinking

For the past few days I have been thinking back to a month or so ago when I had the realisation that I was at the point of no return, specifically in the case where having been honest with myself meant I gained even more self-knowledge that I could not go back to coddling old attitudes that perpetuate denial of what my heart dictates. A month ago or so I did feel confident to wake up to that epiphany although I knew the path from thereon would not be easy. I didn’t expect things to come easy for me but what I didn’t know, however, was that I would be sinking further and further and there’s not even a lifeboat in sight. 

On second thought, sinking and drowning might be the best thing to happen to me at this point. I cannot live denying the small voice of the highest good. I may feel dead inside but there’s not much wiggle room anymore to resort to escapism to deny my inner truth. There’s nothing worse than killing my soul. 

Forgive

How dandy it is for people who can say they have quickly forgiven even when they don’t have all the facts. I couldn’t help but surmise the reason why I had been having those dreams about him for 3 months on every 24th of the month was because we probably still carry different versions of the truth/story and some of the pieces we had were not right.

I couldn’t help but wonder that I might have proven him wrong and at some point my insecurities clouded me from seeing the truth he possessed. I don’t know how it is easy for some people, but the truest part of me cannot forgive unless I have had a bird’s eye view on all things. I can only truly forgive if I have been shown all the facts and ultimately feel it in my soul that what I was shown was the ultimate truth. That is what it means to live a 7 life path like I do.

 

 

 

 

Thanatos

There are times when I just break and it’s one of those days. I probably will have nightmares for a long while. 

My friend shared an instaquote via DM on Instagram earlier. Something about never being a prisoner of your past as the latter was just a lesson and not a life sentence. The way I feel right now is akin to having a life sentence. So why am I not dead yet? Would have preferred a swift execution to a prolonged suffering on earth. In the same vein I don’t really like the idea of getting to a really old age if the lesson can be learned in a short time. That way I can attend to other matters in the evolutionary ladder. 

The way I feel right now, what with themes of death and rebirth and transformation, I know I am channeling Pluto, the god of the underworld. I am also aware that as an empath, I sometimes unconsciously absorb other people’s death wish as my own. 70% of the time I would feel my heart getting heavy, heavier than my own troubles in fact, and I would then hear of someone’s relative being in critical condition at the hospital and I could tell they are on their way to their death bed. I really don’t have a way of telling which feelings are mine or others’ except when there’s already the concurrent fatality. 

2222

I didn’t sleep well last night and part of my thought space went to the significance of the number 2 in my spiritual path. It was like something was suddenly alerting me to the number 2 occurrences again and I would have to be more open to past synchronicity of this particular number as it relates to what is still to come.

Unpleasant as the first trigger memory was, I had to let it flow like a river. When I woke up today I saw instances of 2 again, calling my attention with urgency. Of course, it was a number I knew well but had only awoken to the convergence of its myriad significance in the past few months.

Just as I was trying to get an image of the February 2012 calendar and wanting to do a Google search about it, I noticed my work tracker clocking this:

As I was looking at the February 2012 calendar, one click led to another and the next thing I knew I was looking for my itinerary in Australia on that month and year.

I arrived in Sydney on February 4th – the month a 2 and the day a 4. 24, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, was one of the number clues they left. 

The ETA of that flight was 1:10 pm.

February in 2012 has 29 days. 29, again, was another number clue. Actually, the principal number they hinted at.

I stayed in Cromer for 2 weeks.

 

This afternoon I saw 22 again on my lock screen as I was reaching for my charger.

Seconds later I checked his IG account and saw that 48 minutes ago he had just uploaded his 22nd IG post. Interesting I would often sense his new post 41-48 minutes later. 2 instances of 22.

I had to look up 2222 and came across a familiar site for this numerology stuff. From Joanne, Sacred Scribes:

“A recurring Angel Number 2 is a message to have faith, trust and courage as your prayers are manifesting in your life, even if it is not obvious just yet. Patience may be needed, but you may rest assured that all will turn out for the highest good.
 
The essence of the Master Number 22 is unlimited potential of mastery in any and all areas  –  the spiritual, physical, emotional and mental.  The number 22 has to do with balance, manifesting miracles and new opportunities.  When Angel Number 22 repeats in your life you are asked to take a balanced, harmonious and peaceful stance in all areas of your life.  The message is to keep the faith and stand strong in your personal truths.
 
The number sequence 2222 indicates that newly planted ideas are beginning to take form and grow into reality for you.  Your manifestation will soon be evident, so maintain a positive attitude and continue with your good work.  Keep holding positive thoughts, continue positively affirming and keep visualizing.  The reaping of rewards is just ahead of you.”

I realised that if I didn’t know how to listen to my inner voice and recognise it as part of my personal truth, so many distracting stimuli in the outside world could break me and led me away from my path. I did feel hopeless and felt like my struggles don’t seem to have an end in sight, although yesterday I did affirm to myself that ‘I don’t see it but I do feel it’. It felt right just saying that even though my mind could not comprehend what I was feeling.

Unspoken

In between my bouts with PMS yesterday and earlier today, it occurred to me that I may have never even told him “I love you”. I do remember being cautious and picky with my words when it came to expressing my affection for him. I was able to greet him on his birthdays but my birthday messages to him back then were always about wishes for more enlightenment. Ultimately, not even a spoken “I love you” can trump the sacrifice I did to give us a blank slate once again.

I do clearly remember him telling me he loved me and I didn’t even realise it was what I thought it was – I had to read back the whole message over and over. I don’t remember my response at the time but I must have downplayed it like I didn’t even read it. I didn’t want to be sure unless, of course, he could spell it correctly. It was also a very unstable transit for both of us, or at least going forward that day I knew a storm was coming. And it did, just like he said I knew the future because I had a gift.

I am pretty sure, though, that I did say “I love you” to my first boyfriend. I would even say it to him in Spanish because he was also studying Spanish at the time. I could look it up in my archived e-mails and I would be proven right.

I’m not a very materialistic person. I try to live as if I could be leaving home and going somewhere else soon so I don’t like bringing a heavy luggage with me. Both ex-boyfriends have give me two gifts in the past. (See? It’s always about the number 2.) Gifts that I don’t have in my possession anymore. The first one gave me 2 necklaces he bought in Mexico and the second gave me souvenir from Sydney and a bracelet mala from China. I honestly do not remember where I hid the necklaces or who I gave them to but I did leave the Sydney and China souvenirs to a friend. She would ask me if I wanted it back since she did not take them out of the box they came in. At this point, I don’t want those back. It reminded me of a very difficult and very painful Saturn period of my life, which, thankfully, has already passed. I don’t like receiving gifts primarily because I don’t like the feeling of owing someone something and secondly, because I often know what I want.

I have been listening to Brenda Russell’s Piano In The Dark, a very poignant reminder of where I’ve been and what I’ve become because of those two.

 

 

 

2

Throughout the road to 24, the number 2 has always been emphasized. Significant messages are encased in number 2. Number 2 picked up where the Number 1 ended and a new cycle began. November as in 11 is a mystical month but the most dreadful of them all is February as in 2. Even as I write this I cringe as if I am in possession of the vilest thing but, of course, the shadow lies within me and it’s not because of an outside force that I react this way.

I’ve read that people with 7 life paths had abused their chances at love and relationships at some point in their past lives. I honestly did find it an enlightening fact; it’s as if my heart also acknowledged it to be plausible. It conveniently explained away my abomination for February in addition to past experiences in this present lifetime – crushed hopes and unrequited loves all made it too easy to dismiss the month as a curse. Little did I know at the time, however, that apart from being a late bloomer in love I was really destined to have my first boyfriend at 25-26 years old.

As much as I dreaded talking about the inevitable, I must put it in writing that I might learn something new this coming February.  Imagine me rolling my eyes as I am typing this. I remember how my first relationship ended the day after February 14th; he broke up with me, a decision which I understood too late. Seven years later found me in a second serious relationship and it was a February. February 14th didn’t go quite as well as I expected – my mood was ruined by a misunderstanding that got me seething for I don’t know how long while my angels gently whispered to my heart to let the anger go.

 

 

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