Archive for November, 2013


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Last night a few songs triggered the memory of Elk and coincidentally I’ve also been getting a general vibe from him just a few days ago which specifically points to his gratitude for me for saving him from a situation he doesn’t want to get trapped in. However, it was the babymomma who appeared in my dream last night. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at this chronological order of events.

So the story in the dream went something like this – we rented an apartment her family owned for a short period. It was adjacent to their own house. Since we supposedly recently moved out, we still had some stuff left in the vacated apartment. Apparently I then had to go back for some bags and wallets and had to hitch a ride in a medium delivery truck. Strangely it had a loose rear door hinge and the rear door would open intermittently during the travel. There was a bench inside the truck fit enough for me to lie on so I took a little nap. I woke up shortly before we reached their gate and through my half-sleepy eyes I saw her looking up at me with a serious expression that communicated she recognized who I was, not as the person who had once rented their apartment but rather the person who had played a large role in the 2012 drama. She also had this accusing look that said I probably arrived there to stalk her or watch her every move. I was not guilty of that accusation and I was too groggy to stare back. Once I was in the room looking through my stuff I had somehow secretly wished that she would warm up to me because I am not the enemy. I had thought she might even want to introduce me to their offspring if all was well. I don’t care if it doesn’t happen anyway but it was an interesting thought and a bit too Pollyanna at that.

Inside the apartment there were a few men who were making repairs or renovations. I wished they would just mind their own business but they couldn’t. One of them spoke to me and chatted for a bit. It was her relative, some uncle or whoever. Inwardly I regretted him butting in, I wished I could just go about my own business without being interrogated about who I was because he would then probably casually blab to her who I was. Another part of me said not to care anyway.

I took what I came to get there and soon I was back in the medium truck for the trip back home. Funny because the truck was able to pass through the narrow gateway, like it shrunk to be able to get through. I saw her mom enter their house and I don’t know what was going on in their place but it seemed the people were busy preparing food in the kitchen.

The stare from her was the most interesting thing that took place in the dream. She can think whatever she wants, but being bright has never been one of her strongest attributes.

Guilty

When a series of thoughts and events start to amass in my head I get this urge to do some purging  – that way I clear my head space and allow newer ruminations to float in there. Writing affords me this so-called purging.

Two days ago I had submitted myself to a little pondering on this widening-my-perspective question: What if I wasn’t too picky and the possibility of getting with XX was something I wasn’t so conflicted with? My eyes widened because I was startled at my own audacious proposition. Well, it’s not impossible really. But if I break down the implications of this tiny seed of thought, I actually hear a lot of contradictory voices.

My high school and college friends say I’m picky. But most of them are boring – more often than not they take what life gives them. I have specific visions of what I want in some areas of my life and I did reach some of them by being patient. Most of them rarely rely on visualization to work and so they take on what’s convenient for them. So really, being labeled ‘picky’ actually means I had more specific visions and do not really want to settle for less. That’s somehow an inconvenient truth to explain to them and I didn’t try to explain it to them for years because I believe we each have a spiritual responsibility to figure out our own truths and befriend our selves more.

And what do you know, the day after I had that bizarre what-if, I get a short message from XX who was once a special friend. It was basically a short “hope-you-and-your-family-are-safe-from-the-typhoon” note, to which I of course replied with a short thank you note stating I and my family are safe as our area was not affected. Although the stressed phrase of “just a short note” irked me because I was reading it as “It’s a short note and I really don’t want to chat”, it was heartwarming nonetheless. I really mean heartwarming as an understatement because I cannot deny how that short message brought back sexual undertones due to a strong Sun-Venus and Eighth House synastry aspects we have in our composition chart. So, yes, I can boldly admit I am sexually attracted to him. Sadly, because it’s the only strong aspect, it’s also not a very binding and lasting one. It makes me feel guilty that somehow it’s hard to look beyond sexual attraction with XX even though he is a really good guy and does not have a cheater history.

It’s disappointing, isn’t it? But you see, I am glad we are talking sporadically these days. We can both be picky and miss out on each other for very good reasons. In my heart I don’t actually feel he’s the one. It goes without saying it’s mutual on his part and it’s a good thing we both don’t have hangups about it.

By the end of my pondering, I had actually thought that if I already had a vision of my ideal, then it must exist.

I’m not picky, I just know I deserve something better.

Resuming my #RobertLangdon adventure #danbrown #inferno

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Being Inconvenienced

It seems being inconvenienced has been a pattern that stood out for the past two months. Last month it was that flaky guy who asked me to correspond with him and suddenly stops writing after the second e-mail exchange. Talk about rude. I returned the favor by not replying to his presumptuous assumption that he had lured me back to the original site by not replying.  An eye for an eye. This month it’s the freelancer I hired with specific instruction to polish a transcription within 24 hours. Three days running and the job is not yet done, or maybe he had not even started working on it. In hindsight his cover letter was just empty promises of “finishing the job in a lot less than 24 hours”.

I don’t know what astrological planet transit I am in that can explain why these two situations have happened. As sensible a person I try to be at this point, I am already at the end of my rope.  But rather than dwelling on foiled plans and irritating setbacks, a huge part of me would always want to question: What LESSON are these types of situations trying to teach me? What energy am I giving off to the cosmos to attract these?

The first thing that came to mind were issues on knowing what I specifically want and asserting myself. If I don’t have a certain goal down to the specifics I notice I attract a lot of “almost but not quite”. Most often I give up mid-point because I was not aware what part in my original plan I should modify. Another issue that’s more apparent in the scenarios I described in the above paragraphs is my lack of assertiveness which ultimately leads to some form of passive-aggressiveness on my part. Asserting myself doesn’t mean I will always ruffle some feathers. If we assert ourselves, others can feel our sincerity.

Spark of Insight

In the middle of reading the description of a particular compatibility chart I was suddenly reminded of the Three of Pentacles. The reminder came like a cosmic prompt for me to examine the card closely. Come to think of it, I haven’t really examined the imagery of the card despite having encountered the card in 3 separate Tarot card readings when inquiring about a specific person (who was a Freemason) last week.

three_pentacles

Image source: Biddy Tarot

So I was floored when I read from several online sources that the imagery for the Three of Pentacles involves a mason (I was laughing my arse off at this coincidence) and two monks. Generally it is a card about partnership, patience, and is a good omen indicating that careful planning and hard work will soon pay off.

I guess the Three of Pentacles was an offshoot of my observation on the composite chart I had mentioned in the first paragraph. Since I was so curious what role he had possibly played in one, if not few or more of my past lives, I decided to generate our Vedic and Western birth charts to come up with the composite chart. I was transfixed on the 4 or 5 houses in the composite chart occupied by Taurus and Venus in Libra. Somehow the solid presence of Taurus in the composite chart seems consistent with the 3 readings I’ve had about this Freemason – I did notice more Pentacles come up. The Suit of Pentacles, in a nutshell, are all about earthly concerns and material wealth, which coincidentally are also what Taurus and Libra (both signs are ruled by Venus) represent.

It’s interesting that both the cards and the charts had consistently spoken not only about partnership but also of its quality – that it will be a partnership that’s going to take time to build and form. Yeah, I do feel something life-altering is coming and I guess the cards have already insinuated what it is. I’ll let it take its course while I deal with pressing matters of the now.

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