When a series of thoughts and events start to amass in my head I get this urge to do some purging  – that way I clear my head space and allow newer ruminations to float in there. Writing affords me this so-called purging.

Two days ago I had submitted myself to a little pondering on this widening-my-perspective question: What if I wasn’t too picky and the possibility of getting with XX was something I wasn’t so conflicted with? My eyes widened because I was startled at my own audacious proposition. Well, it’s not impossible really. But if I break down the implications of this tiny seed of thought, I actually hear a lot of contradictory voices.

My high school and college friends say I’m picky. But most of them are boring – more often than not they take what life gives them. I have specific visions of what I want in some areas of my life and I did reach some of them by being patient. Most of them rarely rely on visualization to work and so they take on what’s convenient for them. So really, being labeled ‘picky’ actually means I had more specific visions and do not really want to settle for less. That’s somehow an inconvenient truth to explain to them and I didn’t try to explain it to them for years because I believe we each have a spiritual responsibility to figure out our own truths and befriend our selves more.

And what do you know, the day after I had that bizarre what-if, I get a short message from XX who was once a special friend. It was basically a short “hope-you-and-your-family-are-safe-from-the-typhoon” note, to which I of course replied with a short thank you note stating I and my family are safe as our area was not affected. Although the stressed phrase of “just a short note” irked me because I was reading it as “It’s a short note and I really don’t want to chat”, it was heartwarming nonetheless. I really mean heartwarming as an understatement because I cannot deny how that short message brought back sexual undertones due to a strong Sun-Venus and Eighth House synastry aspects we have in our composition chart. So, yes, I can boldly admit I am sexually attracted to him. Sadly, because it’s the only strong aspect, it’s also not a very binding and lasting one. It makes me feel guilty that somehow it’s hard to look beyond sexual attraction with XX even though he is a really good guy and does not have a cheater history.

It’s disappointing, isn’t it? But you see, I am glad we are talking sporadically these days. We can both be picky and miss out on each other for very good reasons. In my heart I don’t actually feel he’s the one. It goes without saying it’s mutual on his part and it’s a good thing we both don’t have hangups about it.

By the end of my pondering, I had actually thought that if I already had a vision of my ideal, then it must exist.

I’m not picky, I just know I deserve something better.

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