Archive for July, 2015


For two days now I’ve wondered about the re-emergence of XX in my nocturnal dreams. Two dreams spaced a day apart. What’s disconcerting about it is the fact that XX and I hardly communicate at all.

Earlier that day prior to having that first dream about him I was woken from my nap break by a line from a song I hadn’t heard for a long time – Wake up, don’t sleep. While I was on the brink of surfacing from slumber, major clues pointing to the song and the band resurfaced in my memory, too. Catch Me I’m Falling…1980s hit from an Aussie band, Real Life…Catch me I’m falling down again…I know it’s a dream but just the same… I was tracing the rest of the lyrics and when I had first heard of it – I might have first heard it back in Malaysia. I surprise myself sometimes at how many details I can unearth from my memory bank.

I took the “Wake up, don’t sleep” alarm as a reminder to go back to work.

I took another nap break in the afternoon and that’s when I had dreamt of XX. The setting was in Paris; we were relaxing at a park near the Eiffel Tower. The conversation was so lucid than any other I’ve had before in my dreams. He was talking about how jet-lagged he was and introduced a little memory game his friends would play to rid them of ennui. It was a guessing game of 6 words. We looked like a happy couple, though we weren’t. He said his grandma saw us and thought we were a good match. That ruined the moment for me. I stuttered explaining away that one must have eye contact in conversations but eventually betrayed myself by looking away. I felt uncomfortable being stripped of the pretense and muttered to myself that maybe a part of me was still in love with him.

How disorienting to wake up from it! But I am aware it was not the person, but rather the energy he carried, I was enamored with. I was suddenly reminded of the song earlier. It fits the word “foreshadowing” perfectly. …Catch me I’m falling down again…I know it’s a dream but just the same… Astounding.

This morning I woke up at 3AM having recalled XX being in my dream last night. I went to a trip to the second state I had visited before in the US (that was part of a business/leisure trip I had while still working in Malaysia). I saw him driving a convertible with an older blond-haired woman seated next to him. I was aboard what felt like a bus tailing behind his vehicle. Out of the corner of my eye I saw him glance at the rear view mirror because he recognized me. I saw him do this twice yet I remained oblivious.

Well, that was a disturbing dream. What have I been doing these past two lucid dreams? Have I been astral traveling to where he presently is? I had to entertain these questions. It seemed my bewilderment would dissipate 12 hours later.

Afternoon found me checking e-mails, among other things. This was the most important e-mail I have read today, courtesy of Tarot.com:

Get ready for a blast from the past — the love planet Venus is now retrograde! This energy has the potential to bring back an old flame or crush that you never got the chance to connect with — but always wanted to.

From a brief encounter with a charming stranger to the short-lived romance that couldn’t overcome bad timing — we all have the one that got away.

WHEW. This Venus retrograde not only hearkens me back to the could-have-beens after an emotionally harrowing first-quarter 2012, but most importantly that of a long-drawn-out catharsis.

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I don’t believe in asigning a sole major factor when a catalyst for change is brought up. There’s so much a tricky mind is blind to that falling for that error can lead to a case of the blind leading the blind. Humans as we are we have to adjust to the limitations the immutable universal laws have bound us to. 

July for me came with an onslaught of unbidden signs of good-byes and letting go’s propelled by new starts. It’s that Death tarot card hanging over my head again – I start anew again and again and again and again. Hell, I’ve lost count of this pattern. This good-bye had been a long time coming – I just did not see it yet about 3 years ago that finally cutting the cord was imminent despite the unwavering effort of a then recent acquaintance to get to know me. I was not wholly unresponsive as my karmic tendencies slowly won me over, but the situation and the person weren’t enough to provide me the impetus I needed. The novelty wore off, it all fizzled not so surprisingly until he got tired. 

What’s really damning is two years later I would get an epiphany in the form of a reflected energy – different person but with same energy mold but somehow better suited to my vibe. I cannot help but dearly wish this was the ultimate one I had waited for. Maybe the worst, in a definite sense, is really over. 

But, of course, I’m just dreaming away. Nothing is real. 

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