Archive for March, 2016


Beneath my aloof exterior, I always find it in my heart to thank the people whom at different stages in my life I had once been really close to. I feel that way because I could no longer last having conversations with old friends in the present. Some friends are all about themselves and when they decide it’s my turn to share stories, I cannot escape the thought that they still think they’re talking to the same naïve 16- or 20-year-old they used to know. It’s not cute and it’s far from flattering.

In some others I would experience another pet peeve – every time I run into them in a local shop they’d ask the same question as if on autopilot, Why haven’t I decided to settle down? They’ve equated smart girls with higher chances of getting a presentable partner. It’s like predicting that all who graduated at the top of the class would have easy access to the throne at the club of the affluent. My old friends and acquaintances unconsciously find ways for me to deliberately avoid them.

Word goes around quick in a smaller world like where I live in. I would subsequently hear updates from friends of friends of friends. When it all gets awkward face to face, I resort to a quirky way to stay updated. We are all responsible for information we publish online. I once did this recently out of the blue with a friend’s Instagram account. Easy peasy when the account is set to public.

Although I couldn’t stand chatting with her online for the reason that we’ve lost touch, have grown apart, and took different spiritual life paths, I felt happy for the positive turns her life has taken for the past few years. She deserves all of it and Saturn has rewarded her perseverance. I don’t always agree with how a pious Christian like her ascribes her success (because, really, it’s all a combobulation of stuff they deem inexplicable but which has already been revealed in the blueprint they carry at birth). Ay, there’s the rub.

Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
for people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.

– In My Life, Bette Midler

 

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Tabula Rasa

A clean slate. Why do we need a clean slate? Do we ever check ourselves if the clean slate is purely illusory?

Yesterday I’ve deleted two Tumblr pages yesterday and I am aware it was out of hate and shame for myself. One should get over one’s sins of the past, however, not all personal demons immediately go away. Whenever I am beset with these reminders, I crawl back into the old, angry me even though there were more factors than my self that precipitated an unfortunate situation. You’ll never find me being optimistic about letting go. But letting go and make peace I must.

Thinking back to the deletion yesterday I felt like I was screaming at the demons staring back at me, like I hated that part of myself and momentarily engendered a loathing for the whole experience. I don’t hate the lesson. I just hated that naïve part of me from the past.

I deleted the reminder of the past. Unfortunately, what may be erased digitally remains in the soul imprints and the akashic records for that matter. How tragic that we, human incarnates, should endeavor to forget only to want to remember much later.

Reminds me of a television series I watched hours ago, Blindspot. We thought Jane was coming to but in a twist of events she ends up betraying the sole sacrifice she got herself into. She consented to forget, yet she wants to remember. There’s a good reason why we delete just as we are bound to forget. However, in her case a clean slate is hardly the solution.

When I get to remember unpleasant memories, I chalk it up to timing, or more specifically, planetary transits. I know why I’m feeling this way right now towards this or that situation but this is temporary.  But some unpleasant memories bring with them the good ones, too,  so it’s hard to compartmentalise. We just have to learn to live with it.

 

 

I’ve been preoccupied with thinking about how I’m more often thinking about being rather than being in the moment. I know this tendency of mine to overthink and the compulsion to anticipate and plan ahead too well. I wouldn’t see it as altogether a bad habit. It’s rather relative in the sense that all depends on timing yet most of the time I miss the “flexible” mark. But then, again, timing is tricky and subjective reflections are muddled. The only thing certain is uncertainty.

Wouldn’t it be nice to wake up with that realisation? I did. Very compelling yet the quick mind is not so attuned to the timid body. Doubt and fear creep in and I’m back in the fetal stage of suspended motion and indecisiveness. It hit me that I may have questioned myself about it less. When you’re used to succeeding at one thing and suddenly fail at it, you lose your bearings and forget how you got from one point to the next.

Or it could be just ego and pride. So proud, so confident in treading the waters of life…we think we will know or feel our way around the ocean of both familiar and unfamiliar circumstances that we forget the science of it – there is a way but not the one you dictated.

It’s either succumb to the flow of trial and error (ignorance is bliss) or find the logical pattern (knowledge is power).

 

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