Archive for October, 2016


Quiescent

The start of the week found me in a quiescent state. I literally didn’t have to spend money trying to escape or entertain myself because I am bored with what a waste of effort and money that is. Basically, I am diving again to the observer phase, i.e., watch my roller-coaster emotions go up and down while trying to remain neutral about them. Kinda like going outside of the problem so I can see everything in a better perspective.

Yay to the financially frugal part! Hurray even more to the realistic self-acceptance and letting the Universe do its process. Yes, I acquiesced to that despite still having so many questions in my head. I can’t let go of the questions, however. Not being curious would kill me.

Another thing that’s changed are the circumstances I attracted. I recently found an old friend from years ago whom I couldn’t believe has matured (she’s a cousin of an old friend and she was still 10 or 12 years old when I first knew her). I generally don’t like meeting old friends or acquaintances from the past because I can sniff their emptiness, ennui and hedonistic qualities miles away but surprisingly, this friend has grown to be pragmatic yet an out-of-the-box thinker. In turn, I didn’t have to pretend what the years have done to me psychologically. I was also able to chat for a while with another friend who just broke up with his boyfriend. Misery loves company, doesn’t it? I didn’t need to ask him the how, though; I could already relate to him because of the same healing process we’re currently going through on our own.

So, I am gonna relish this quiescent state for what it is.

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Fuck Normal

Sleep is the best friend of depression and the latter makes the remaining waking hours unbelievably tedious. I can count the people I trust with my secretive life in one hand but in this intense dark night of the soul period, I am the only friend I can trust. The current inner work I’m in, believe me, requires such and no awakened soul walked this earth without enduring intense periods of self-purification and rebirth in solitude. How do awakened souls survive it? They survived by being piercingly honest with themselves.

It feels awkward telling a friend, “how do you move on from someone who will still be a part of your future because he has been central to a major angelic prophecy in your life?” Or even, “how do you reconcile with the fact you once fucked up and went against the angels’/guides’ counsel?” It’s even more painful to bear when you know you only saw the bigger chaos four years after losing what you held dear; what’s been constantly hounding you quietly about the past’s shallow victory has finally come to light and it doesn’t accept excuses for a band-aid fix this time.

The reason I am wading in the waters of depression is because I made shortcuts, lied to myself because I wanted to be “normal”, didn’t honor the calling of my heart because I wanted to be “normal”, defied my higher Self because I wanted to be “normal”, etc. Fuck normal.

When I cry out my pain, I do feel relief. And then it’s back to the doubting game of logic wins again and unknowingly taking apart the divine good structure of just letting it be.

This has been an intense week for me so far. I was faced again with the painful truth that I have been shielding myself from for a long time –  that I could escape what I’ve always known (as opposed to ‘believed’) and look elsewhere for other answers. This whole uncovering process now suddenly feels like I’ve been the one turning the knife inside of me all these years. 
 
It was pretty innocuous and benign at first. I thought observing my depression via memory recall and letting it pass through my consciousness was enough. I hadn’t even scratched the surface. For a few days I felt relief as I was working through my past self-denial. The tears came later as the truth became clearer – I cannot and should not ignore what my heart has known all along. 
 
While deleting some unimportant emails tonight, I came across this weekly angel reading for me for next week – Oct 24-Oct 30 from AngelVisionary.com.  

The most important part of this is about trusting in the signs that you receive from the angels and also trusting in yourself and your own inner knowledge. Raziel can help you to understand the symbols and spiritual truths that may be coming to you during meditation or whilst sleeping. Ask him for his assistance and he will enable you to bring the information into your awareness so you can better understand it.

Raziel is wonderful if you wish to understand ideas that defy normal logic. Listen to some calming music and ask for Archangel Raziel to be by your side. If there is anything in your life right now that you would like more clarity about, or that you may be confused about right now, ask for him to bring you through understanding about this. He can help to expand your everyday thinking, so that you can see situations from a fresh perspective. This is best done at night time, before sleeping as Raziel often communicates in the dream state and he can help you to learn knowledge and information during this time.

raziel

Normal logic and the esoteric nature of the message is exactly the originator of my compounding doubts. I don’t currently see any sign that what my heart has known for a long time is happening. Nada. Well, if anything, the circumstances show the opposite. This is where patience and faith play a mighty role in because trusting what you don’t see makes you go cuckoo. 

The Stalker’s Musings

If it weren’t for her red wine habit she’d have had a mild heart attack already. It’s been a while since the compulsion to stalk the ex struck her and strike her it did today. However, the palpitations aren’t as bad as before. “It’s been a damn long time,” she mused. “I’m the least of his worries should he get so anal about checking each site visitor IP address. 

“He has noticeably aged.” How long has it been? Four years? But that’s not really the point. No one is exempt from aging, of course. So what is it, then? More than anything, the eyes – the windows of the soul – don’t lie. She has read something in those orbs that only her intuition and depth of knowledge with this man can grasp where words can’t. 

“The couple header pic and other couple pics are noticeably gone. Deleted.” She remembered how his profile page looked a few years ago. “He’s probably keeping it private…” It’s stupid to feel a glimmer of hope, so she knows. Beneath the facade she’s positive there exist an account in a few online dating sites somewhere. 

“He’s become more open.” Because I’m less of a threat now than before. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Full Moon Blues

It’s a full moon and I’ve been feeling distracted and scatterbrained like hell. Even when I close my eyes to sleep, my mind somehow manages to stay awake for a long while and then I would start to feel that slumber hasn’t been as peaceful as it used to be. The comforting news is I know it’s not my fault, it’s a phase, and transits come and go as in a cycle.

Knowing that it’s not my fault, it’s also essential to internalise that painful phases should not be avoided or escaped from. I should just ride it all out even when the past has come back to bite my ass. It’s liberating to stay put sometimes. More and more layers of insights open up to me when I stop fighting and just let the memory pass. I also come out even more realistic about what I expect of myself.

An even greater result is I become less paranoid because I grow to become more trusting of the process. Long ago I did hear the angels’ counsel about the importance of listening to one’s heart. I guess I only just realised that listening to my heart not only entailed following my intuition but, also, that I develop the emotional intelligence to be sensitive to and be considerate with how the significant other feels.

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