Archive for November, 2016


I Know What I Feel To Be Right

Because of my anxiety to pinpoint what the dream about Elk meant, I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t ask for help in interpreting it. I know I could be biased because of my past connection with Elk so I thought it best if someone outside my situation could shed light on what it meant. I didn’t like the idea of waiting until February to find out what it meant as I might be widening the margin for impulsive mistakes again like I did four years ago.

I was glad I made that decision. The dream interpretation was enlightening, opened my eyes to a newer perspective and, more importantly, allowed me to look deeper inside my psyche. I told myself I have nothing to lose if I dive further into the abyss of my fears and anxieties. The caveat, however, was realizing I am still not immune to other people’s opinions of right and wrong about the choices I make. I realized I’m still sensitive to what my friends might think. Despite learning a part of myself which I didn’t want to discover before, I felt I took too many steps back. And this was one of the root causes of my misgivings before – that I listened too much to unsolicited advice and my friends’ black and white versions of blanket security reality.

What stumps me is that we sometimes have this tendency to judge other people and opine about a viable could-have-been alternative decision even when we know little about their lives and their feelings. But when the tables are turned and time demands that we choose, 100% of the time we do so with our heart anyway. What gives? I’m starting to think my IQ is getting lower.

Midway into writing this post, I decided to listen again to Paul McCartney’s No More Lonely Nights. The song’s been stuck in my head for a while and I don’t know what was the point of the Universe in making me listen to it over and over. Until I got to the part where Paul sang “…’cause I know what I feel to be right…” and it felt like that message was magnified.

 

 

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Following my preoccupation to examine my dreams more carefully this time, I encountered an old tarot reading I requested in 2014, the gist of which strangely seems more appropriate for what’s been happening in my life from the start of my first cycle (my birth month) this year until the present. The first line of the description of Sacred Earth Mother, one of the cards drawn, summarizes what I’ve been going through lately.

 

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“We travel the endless corridors of our mind until one day we find a pathway that leads us to our heart.”

 

My heart felt light today. This must be what I am getting from working with mystic merlinite. I don’t understand how it can show me the depressing depths and something magickal at the same time. I don’t need to analyse at this point. Maybe I just felt the wheels are turning.

I entertained the thought that I am afraid I might miss the forest for the trees and that I am continually questioning everything solely because I am being realistic with my expectations. Tracing back my dream journal in 2014 made me realise how important it is to write down essential impressions and insights. There are no coincidences.

When The Impossible Happens

There are times I get into a zone where insights come freely. Then there are thoughts that keep nagging at the back of my mind and I just have to write about it so I can have a restful sleep. I sometimes catch myself wondering about the when-the-impossible-happens kind of dream with Elk. My preoccupation with prophetic dreams go back to past experiences with my dreams and Elk’s proving to be prescient. 

I initially interpreted the recent dream about him as a chance for us to be friends again (inspite of myself). Having encountered the Three of Cups as one of the cards in a specific “yes or no” reading a week before I had the dream, I had to be cautious about my head being in the clouds. I honestly do not think it’s possible for us to be friends again because of our tainted history. 

After a week it struck me that another layer of the dream could mean that an unexpected event could suddenly erase or wipe away all the anger I felt about the past situation or reboot my system to forgive and forget. But what doesn’t make sense is how easy it all seemed to happen. It’s so impossible for it to be that easy so I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it could simply be wishful thinking. 

If I look into dreams as being heavy on feelings, I guess the impossible can happen. I cannot shake off the feeling or the “knowing” that some sort of breakthrough is happening but I just can’t wrap my head around it. To guard against self-imposed projections, I do constantly try to be still and quiet within and avoid sensory overload. 

I feel differently about this turning point of a dream. It behooves me to be careful about how I might treat the situation lest my demons threaten to wreak havoc again when the impossible happens. 

I still have my doubts from time to time so I decided to change up the stones I am currently working with to reveal more layers of truth. This decision was brought out from the realization that since I was allowing myself to go deeper and further into my doubts, I would have nothing to lose if I start to work with the crystals whose vibrations I once feared in the past. I know I would come out okay after this, but there’s only so many choices I can pick and I feel I owe it to myself to be fair and honest about which ones I can live with.

I began with clear quartz some time ago so I thought I might as well bring out my mystic merlinite stone. I didn’t like the initial effect of mystic merlinite when I first used it a year ago. I was not ready to work with its energies and the higher wisdom it eventually rewards its persevering students. I could probably describe the mystic merlinite’s effect to be that of being boxed in a dark tunnel by one’s self – it’s dark and dreary before you can see the light.

As expected I was faced with its familiar darkness again. Or should I say I am re-encountering how it projects my unaccepted fears outwards? It feels more like the latter. I don’t feel like drowning yet but I am starting to question the consequences of the choices I currently entertain as possible and those I’ve made in the past. The “knowing” that I cannot ignore is still very much a constant at this point, it is stronger than ever, but my uncertainties have compounded. That’s exactly the duality the mystic merlinite handler would experience. It made me ask myself, “What would my Higher Self advise me at this point?”

I don’t know if I would let myself drown, knowing that even if I’m physically alive, the myriad forms of death are omnipresent.

Stork

A particular detail has been bothering me for a week. Around the time I had that dream again about Elk, I’ve been seeing images of a species of a bird. The image of that yet unnamed bird (because I didn’t know it) kept jumping out at me. One or two instances doesn’t really bother me but more than three screams “urgent” and “listen” all over it. It bothered me even more that I didn’t even know its name.

One day the torture ended (or so I thought) when I mistook that unnamed bird for a swan. My cousin openly expressed my inner doubts by saying the bird I was looking for does not fit a swan. 

So last night I was overcome by my curiousity for a resolution once and for all and, alas, the bird that’s been calling my attention was a stork. I stood corrected. Suddenly my niece’s drawing about a little girl and a flower in the dream makes sense. 

The Key Perspective

I found myself waking up to an old memory but with a newer perspective. It probably was the previous post about “the key” that triggered the memory about a parallel “key” situation and some other memory nuggets, too.

For a while I had forgotten about the last time we saw each other. What I tagged in my memory as the last time was the last kiss. On the last day we saw each other, I was to return a KEY, a physical one this time, to him. During my stay with him, Elk gave me a duplicate key to his room in case I got back early from touring around the CBD. It was his father’s and the latter needed it back.

When he drove me to Revesby we sat mostly in silence. I was so engrossed in my own emotional issues that I had not bothered to address the larger problem looming above our heads. (I admit I hate this passive-aggressive side of me; it’s killing me.) It was hours after he left Revesby when I realized I still had the key in my pocket. I could return it via mail but I decided to go through the trouble of going back to the CBD to return it to him in person. I was not myself that day; my turbulent emotions painted a stark contrast to the short and uneventful meeting that took place.

I was struggling to remember if I ever kept a journal about that one time he sheepishly let it slip that he loved me. I did not think much about it then. This was a man who barely said I love you to his former partners. This was a man who admitted to me a few times that he has never cried so I could understand if all he could muster was a cloaked exuberance of “God, love ya!” But I didn’t want to assume I heard him right and, no, I had not even told him I loved him either.

Angels/guides sometimes communicate through songs or lyrics. Seven days ago, I rationalized I should not entertain my guides’ song suggestions to protect my proclivity to let songs hijack my emotions. I lasted a day trying so hard; I didn’t even want to cry. The day after found me awake with intense dream loops. Maybe I should’ve listened.

This afternoon found me in the same state sans the resistance. I could feel the veil between real and unseen getting thinner. It must be the magick of the Supermoon.

I heard a musical note and it recalled a Gwen Stefani’s song for which my subconscious prompted the search or “4am”. No results found. Another thorough search corrected me that the song title was 4 In The Morning. I was dumbfounded to have forgotten a song I used to listen a decade ago.

I was pretty sure it was primarily the melody that led me to 4 In The Morning. Until a part of me suddenly questioned, “Why this song, though?” It hit me that I usually wake up at 4am from meaningful dreams. Call it the witching hour. I did wake up at around 4am from last week’s dream loop.

Listening to it repeatedly brought out a few humbling insights.

All this time I had thought I was the only one having these epiphanies. I was wrong. I only realized this year he was the one the prophecy pointed to. Looking back at his dreams about me and our old messages, he already “knew” back then. 

It’s always too late.

#Perspective

“In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.” 

 - Bertrand Russell

 

August 25, 2011

Me: Then something about what I said before suddenly flashed before me.
About the key and the knife – the first dream I had about you had those symbols.
I don’t know if you recall what I told you before that you held an invisible key, that it was something I could use to answer some of my life’s questions.

Elk: Yup I remember that, we spoke about that a long time ago🙂

Me: I don’t know what that invisible key is, but before you can give me that key, I have to help you in some ways.
I had a strong feeling that what I experienced last night – that expansive feeling of freedom – had to do with that key.

Elk: Serious? You have to help me? The plot thickens! I don’t yet know how I need help… But I am sure I can help you.

 

1 YEAR and 6 MONTHS LATER….

 

Feb 13, 2013

Elk: It’s strange that you would send me a link, maybe that was not of your doing, but actually I had been thinking about you lately and in that thought space silently I said to myself, thank you. Though I didn’t like the way you abused my trust as I was always open and honest to you I have forgiven you, you did help me a lot. That’s what the thank you is about. Hope you are well.

 

 

I Am Crazy Until I Am Proven Right

How do you fix a long-standing feud? How do things work out on their own? The how may probably be irrelevant when we’re getting a special glimpse of the future but haven’t crossed that bridge yet.

I didn’t want to admit I was really happy that ELK showed up again in my dreams after 2 or 3 years. I am holding precious secrets which I have to continually guard or else the noise in the outside world would taunt me that I was losing my mind. I was really happy. There I said it. Since the “fallout” in 2012, my dream 3 days ago was probably the only one with the most interaction between us. It behooves me to mention time may have played a huge factor in this resurgence but it would be unfair to discredit what my clear quartz has contributed.

There were two sets of dreams that I was aware of. I believe if I didn’t decide to wake up sooner I would experience the third loop.

In the first set, I found myself working in a defunct huge factory turned warehouse for different types of old refrigerators and freezers. A company office had been set up there for some time yet I was told the place was not accessible to locals. I conjured a Hogwarts shield in my mind upon hearing the history of the place. I said, “That doesn’t make sense. I get ELK’s letters. How did the postman know this place?”

The next scene I was at what I felt was ELK’s house, “assumed” mainly because he and his mother lived there. I saw my niece using a part of their wall as a drawing board and the kid had no idea she might be vandalizing their property. She drew a little girl and a flower. The sight of this got me nervous. Or more like “the writing on the wall” got me nervous.

I found myself waiting for him to come home after work. We made love twice and that was when I first woke up from the dream feeling an uncontrollable pounding in my chest. That must have been 4:30 am or so. It took me maybe an hour to recover from the shock. I played Cooking Dash on my phone but my mind could not shut up trying to trace back what else I missed in the dream. The Sandman caught up with me again.

In the second dream set, I found myself getting in and out of sleep in what I feel might be ELK’s house again. Strange thing was I also felt some of my family members were there. I pretended to be asleep and out of the corner of my eye I saw ELK inspecting my chair (yes, my own chair in my real-life house) like a carpenter would before he sat on it. I knew he was nearby but neither one of us initiated to chat, not even small talk.

I chatted with another transient in their house. He was a middle-aged man traveling by and was waiting for the next bus in the morning. I pointed outside to an overweight woman and told him she looked familiar. It was his daughter. He said his daughter just recovered from some form of cancer or something.

By the time the bus left, I saw ELK nearby as if he was waiting for his presence to be acknowledged. I didn’t want to be rude and approached him to say thanks for letting me stay in their place for a while. A part of me wanted to say sorry, too, but I ruled it out. That was when we started having an actual conversation. We walked together to find a place to eat. I don’t know which one of us reached out and held the other’s hand first. He asked or spoke about something and I asked him to repeat it because I wasn’t sure what I heard was correct – that he was teasing me and asking me about a guy in my life after that fallout. I also wasn’t sure if he insinuated that I probably still have pictures of the nameless guy lying around. Maybe it was just my own interpretation. I ignored it and diverted the topic to the present because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of a small misunderstanding.

We turned around a cul-de-sac and decided to come back the way we came. But when I turned around, I heard him screaming in pain because he had accidentally stepped on a sharp object. I panicked and asked what I could do. I woke up at this juncture and upon going back to consciousness, the first thing I heard was the chorus to Neocolours’ Hold On and then Christopher Cross’s Swept Away.

I was already awake but barely moving. How could these two songs come at such a time I woke up again from the dream?

Hold on, baby, hold on

We’ve got to go on now

This feeling’s so strong

I honestly didn’t even give much thought to that song before this. How in the world is the feeling (still) so strong when we had shut each other out? The next song, Swept Away, didn’t prepare me for the tears I was going to shed yet again. I don’t know why but much of it were happy tears.

I never had anything happen so fast

I took one look and I shattered like glass

He had these sets of dreams about me few months into knowing each other. It seemed it was always about how he had picked me out of a crowd and how familiar I was even though he hadn’t met me at the time.

No one in the world but you

And I gotta find a way to make you feel the way that I do

Again, the question I put forward above. How can something so fucked up be fixed? I feel like I’m at the other side of the two-way mirror, wishing I could also see what’s on the other unseen side in real-time. I know these dreams about him show the undercurrents but I cannot yet find a way to believe what I know.

It all seems so impossible for now even though I know I might be proven right later. The clear quartz also has been alerting me to images of a bird for like a week now, which I just happened to find out today to be a swan. How angelic, how beautiful all these signs are. But I am crazy until I am proven right.

 

Clear Quartz

I remember initially working with the clear quartz tumbled stone and not having a really favourable impression with it. Whenever I was near it, I would feel a part of my back ache and then being in a disoriented state. I gave up working with it because maybe I was not yet ready for it.

Indeed, people change. Three days ago, I decided to bring it out of its hiding place and put it under my pillow along with a few crystals I already put there. I don’t know how long it has been but it feels like a year or so since I laid my eyes upon my clear quartz again. This time, though, it didn’t seem to cause any harsh energies on me. I do somehow notice that it seems fond of working with my spinal fluid sans the previous back aches. When the clear quartz is near me, I do feel its energies aren’t as jarring as the last time. Maybe over time I have increased my vibration to be able to accommodate the wisdom the clear quartz promises. I did undergo a jarring dark night of the soul as apparent in my previous posts.

Dream-wise, the predominant theme is how the clear quartz brings to the surface some of what I would normally dismiss in my conscious waking life as the undercurrent of things. As usual it does bring up the issue of how truthful I am with myself. Not surprisingly enough I was consistently honest in the dream as I was in my waking life. The clear quartz appreciates those who strip away the lies in themselves. I was tired of the old structures I keep finding myself in that lower my self-esteem. I constantly push to find a way to better myself yet somehow feel a bit stuck.

I might have to take note that prior to working again with the clear quartz tumbled stone, I did suggest to a friend to try taking up lessons in crystals and tumbled stones and picking whichever one he feels the strongest link with. I didn’t think any of it at the time but the suggestion might have initially worked for me because I found myself working with the said stone again.

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