I found myself waking up to an old memory but with a newer perspective. It probably was the previous post about “the key” that triggered the memory about a parallel “key” situation and some other memory nuggets, too.

For a while I had forgotten about the last time we saw each other. What I tagged in my memory as the last time was the last kiss. On the last day we saw each other, I was to return a KEY, a physical one this time, to him. During my stay with him, Elk gave me a duplicate key to his room in case I got back early from touring around the CBD. It was his father’s and the latter needed it back.

When he drove me to Revesby we sat mostly in silence. I was so engrossed in my own emotional issues that I had not bothered to address the larger problem looming above our heads. (I admit I hate this passive-aggressive side of me; it’s killing me.) It was hours after he left Revesby when I realized I still had the key in my pocket. I could return it via mail but I decided to go through the trouble of going back to the CBD to return it to him in person. I was not myself that day; my turbulent emotions painted a stark contrast to the short and uneventful meeting that took place.

I was struggling to remember if I ever kept a journal about that one time he sheepishly let it slip that he loved me. I did not think much about it then. This was a man who barely said I love you to his former partners. This was a man who admitted to me a few times that he has never cried so I could understand if all he could muster was a cloaked exuberance of “God, love ya!” But I didn’t want to assume I heard him right and, no, I had not even told him I loved him either.