I can’t believe why any otherworldly entity would repeatedly tell you in advance that you should never give up because they already knew the bigger picture – that you would fuck up an already fucked up circumstance many years later. How many humans on earth would get to experience that? Not many, I guess. In hindsight, I repeat, I was told I was doomed to mess up an already tragic situation. On the other hand, it made me feel more forgiving of myself and of him to whom I placed most of the blame on for being so weak. Tell me, how did Judas take it after he was told he was gonna fuck up the Messiah’s self-fulfilling prophecy and never realized his mistake (which was meant to happen DUH) until after it happened?

We were mere puppets. But what’s the point of making me aware of the truth now? The milk has been spilt. Hurtful words have been exchanged. True feelings have been sacrificed and hearts and trust have been broken, seemingly irreparable in fact. We attract what we are, so it was said. But I was told a message 22 years ago and I thought I was so special; on the contrary, I carried a huge responsibility more akin to a curse than a blessing.

When I was 14, I was able to communicate to otherworldly beings for a short while (3 months, give or take). Of course I think less now of how it still boggles me how it happened because it happened and there was no question about it. I had a neighbour once who could sense what I was going through and all he could reveal to me was I was granted access to seeing and communicating with them because I was in an altered state of consciousness. He could sense I had trust issues and that I was more right-brained but was in danger of letting logic take over. I hate it when I don’t understand what I am getting into.

So what was the message? Three signs of the number 29, attention to number 2 or the “second”, 15 and 24 (this was more explained by the otherworldly entities as ages if they were human beings on earth as two of them appeared), to follow my heart, and three times being told a glaring message, “NEVER GIVE UP”. Sounds so simple, right? Not. Why would anyone tell you not to give up unless they knew you would be getting into a very difficult situation which demands you to navigate exceptional circumstances with a more heart-centered paradigm? So, yes, as I said above I have trust issues and I do not take kindly to obeying first and getting an explanation later.

22 years later it would indeed prove to be my Kobayashi Maru, but it was also imperative that I go through it even if there was no winning over it. I fucked it up, of course. Well done. I resent that I didn’t know what they knew and I ended up destructing everything for all of us to start with a clean slate. They knew there would be a child involved; I didn’t know that although I felt it but couldn’t explain it. Souls getting entrance into earth as human beings are NEVER an accident. Did you think it was an accident your parents successfully brought you here? The universe doesn’t play dice. They knew this; I didn’t. No one could tell me or explain to me what I was about to go through. I had to rely on my own. I wished it were as convenient as taking it in from a book but it wasn’t.

I felt stupid this afternoon when the puzzle of the parallels hit me. The otherworldly entities often alerted me to pay attention to the “second” and that there have always been 2. I didn’t know what this meant until it became clear the parallels that ELK and I went through. When the otherworldly entities appeared in 1994, one appeared shortly after another and I had wondered at the time why there was a need for 2 when 1 spiritual guide would often suffice. Now I understood they were demonstrating it as if in a role play. Only two men ever did take my heart and, well, in my lifetime I only did sleep with two (I guess without knowing it I did actually follow the path and followed my heart – so it was written, so it will be done). The second felt more of a soulmate connection than the first. (Pay attention to the second.) On ELK’s part, shortly before I came into his life there was someone else who would beat me to his bed but could not captivate the deepest soul connection he yearned. I came in second but with the biggest impact on his life.

All this time I have been made to face the unpleasant emotion relating to some part of me that could not forgive him. The theme even showed up in my dream about him. What this puzzle of parallels have gifted me is the gift of forgiveness and understanding that comes more from the heart. You see, it’s not easy for me to forgive and forget.

It’s a small breakthrough but I still don’t understand where the “NEVER GIVE UP” comes in. What’s even more damning is even though my head can think of giving up, my heart can’t. This is why I cry myself to sleep.