In between my bouts with PMS yesterday and earlier today, it occurred to me that I may have never even told him “I love you”. I do remember being cautious and picky with my words when it came to expressing my affection for him. I was able to greet him on his birthdays but my birthday messages to him back then were always about wishes for more enlightenment. Ultimately, not even a spoken “I love you” can trump the sacrifice I did to give us a blank slate once again.

I do clearly remember him telling me he loved me and I didn’t even realise it was what I thought it was – I had to read back the whole message over and over. I don’t remember my response at the time but I must have downplayed it like I didn’t even read it. I didn’t want to be sure unless, of course, he could spell it correctly. It was also a very unstable transit for both of us, or at least going forward that day I knew a storm was coming. And it did, just like he said I knew the future because I had a gift.

I am pretty sure, though, that I did say “I love you” to my first boyfriend. I would even say it to him in Spanish because he was also studying Spanish at the time. I could look it up in my archived e-mails and I would be proven right.

I’m not a very materialistic person. I try to live as if I could be leaving home and going somewhere else soon so I don’t like bringing a heavy luggage with me. Both ex-boyfriends have give me two gifts in the past. (See? It’s always about the number 2.) Gifts that I don’t have in my possession anymore. The first one gave me 2 necklaces he bought in Mexico and the second gave me souvenir from Sydney and a bracelet mala from China. I honestly do not remember where I hid the necklaces or who I gave them to but I did leave the Sydney and China souvenirs to a friend. She would ask me if I wanted it back since she did not take them out of the box they came in. At this point, I don’t want those back. It reminded me of a very difficult and very painful Saturn period of my life, which, thankfully, has already passed. I don’t like receiving gifts primarily because I don’t like the feeling of owing someone something and secondly, because I often know what I want.

I have been listening to Brenda Russell’s Piano In The Dark, a very poignant reminder of where I’ve been and what I’ve become because of those two.