I didn’t feel too dandy on my birthday 4 days ago. People would say it isn’t called happy birthday for no reason. I say that’s bollocks. I am allowed to feel whatever I can siphon from others’ emotions and delude myself like they’re my own. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have the vibration of the place I’m in and the ephemeris’ as contributing factors. I take these things into consideration. I don’t just say I should be happy because it’s what normal people dictate. It’s not my fault – sometimes the odds are against me.

The past week has been one of reliving the nightmare, so to speak. The repercussions of what I had done 5 years ago still reverberating in my consciousness ever so strongly, some memories added, some memories taken to converge into a vortex of self-pity. I want it to swallow me whole. For some hours I let it consume me and then I would appear on the other side of it beaming with temporary positive vibes. But something is amiss. I am not blind to that. I wonder how many people who believe in the law of attraction actually recognise that other factors are at work and if timing isn’t on your side, the law of attraction is just futile. Unless, of course, you’re Jesus who can bend space and time.

Lately I keep reliving my regret over what I did. Did his mother empathize with him? Does she or the people there in the household hate me, too? Probably not hate but some other less stronger word. Persona non grata. I know what I did was wrong, but what kind of fog has clouded over their heads should they think he didn’t need correction? I know, I know, probably not the kind of correction I brought upon him but, still, I cannot fathom how some minds simply decide to only grasp a partial story.