Category: Psychology

I didn’t feel too dandy on my birthday 4 days ago. People would say it isn’t called happy birthday for no reason. I say that’s bollocks. I am allowed to feel whatever I can siphon from others’ emotions and delude myself like they’re my own. Plus, it’s not like I don’t have the vibration of the place I’m in and the ephemeris’ as contributing factors. I take these things into consideration. I don’t just say I should be happy because it’s what normal people dictate. It’s not my fault – sometimes the odds are against me.

The past week has been one of reliving the nightmare, so to speak. The repercussions of what I had done 5 years ago still reverberating in my consciousness ever so strongly, some memories added, some memories taken to converge into a vortex of self-pity. I want it to swallow me whole. For some hours I let it consume me and then I would appear on the other side of it beaming with temporary positive vibes. But something is amiss. I am not blind to that. I wonder how many people who believe in the law of attraction actually recognise that other factors are at work and if timing isn’t on your side, the law of attraction is just futile. Unless, of course, you’re Jesus who can bend space and time.

Lately I keep reliving my regret over what I did. Did his mother empathize with him? Does she or the people there in the household hate me, too? Probably not hate but some other less stronger word. Persona non grata. I know what I did was wrong, but what kind of fog has clouded over their heads should they think he didn’t need correction? I know, I know, probably not the kind of correction I brought upon him but, still, I cannot fathom how some minds simply decide to only grasp a partial story.








I’ve been having dreams about a computer or TV screen losing transmission or signal for like 3 or 4 times a week now. Again, earlier today I had the same dream with a similar theme, only this time I was in some sort of computer lab where desktop computers were still the bulky type. I had this thick manual on codes and errors that is expected to show up when a computer crashes and needs a reboot. I don’t understand any of it so I only browsed it and asked for help from the technician guys in the computer lab.

I watched an episode of the tv series, The Blacklist, shortly after having my nap and I saw a similar scene, only in this case an EMP caused it and wiped the laptop futile for future use.


©NBC, The Blacklist


There are times when I just break and it’s one of those days. I probably will have nightmares for a long while. 

My friend shared an instaquote via DM on Instagram earlier. Something about never being a prisoner of your past as the latter was just a lesson and not a life sentence. The way I feel right now is akin to having a life sentence. So why am I not dead yet? Would have preferred a swift execution to a prolonged suffering on earth. In the same vein I don’t really like the idea of getting to a really old age if the lesson can be learned in a short time. That way I can attend to other matters in the evolutionary ladder. 

The way I feel right now, what with themes of death and rebirth and transformation, I know I am channeling Pluto, the god of the underworld. I am also aware that as an empath, I sometimes unconsciously absorb other people’s death wish as my own. 70% of the time I would feel my heart getting heavy, heavier than my own troubles in fact, and I would then hear of someone’s relative being in critical condition at the hospital and I could tell they are on their way to their death bed. I really don’t have a way of telling which feelings are mine or others’ except when there’s already the concurrent fatality. 

Less is More

I’ve been wondering why I have not had any major dreams about ELK this month. I did have a dream this month where he had a minor part in it but when the setting and other details are vague I tend to dismiss the dream as irrelevant. I guess I would only count those dreams I have of him where I can wake up from them feeling desperate wishing for him to be present and cursing the daylight for arriving too soon.

Seeing as I did not even record it in my dream journal the dream in which he had a minor part in, I am glad my memory has not failed me a bit. To provide a context for it, I have worked with my mini moldavite stone during that period. There was a much more grandiose setting and plot in that set of dreams which involved engaging the power of crystals in an ancient tribe war that ELK part appeared to be a mere insert. His presence there seemed more of a voice rather than a physical one – I heard him speak to me and I did miss hearing his voice. He sounded friendly towards me as if he was already comfortable around me; I could feel the smile in his voice. The last thing I could trace in that dream was him asking what I called a million dollar question which started with HOW and ended with GIRL which translated to me as him asking me how does a guy get back the attention of a girl. I didn’t know how I answered him because the dream ended and I was probably speechless anyway.

Because I tend to rationalise things, I did surmise lately that I may have been having less significant dreams about him lately because I have had my dreams of him from two months ago (and even his dreams about me years ago) interpreted by someone who has vast knowledge in dream analysis than I do. It changed my perspective a great deal about my whole journey.

As I am writing this, I am awaiting two more dream interpretations due in 3 days. It was so empowering and liberating to know the layers of perspective that opened up before me all because I gave my chance to question and actively look for answers. The eye-opening theme of the period must be the reason why I have not had any significant dream about ELK. I don’t know if it’s significant to also point out that the last two dreams about him involved hearing his voice a lot.


Georgy Porgy

I had a phallic dream last night and all morning I had totally forgotten about it. It wasn’t until this afternoon when I remembered it again because of an autosuggested song from the universe in the form of Toto’s Georgy Porgy.

The dream went like this:

I chanced upon this location for the shooting set of Game of Thrones (I honestly have never watched any GoT episode ever) and I saw a lot of onlookers by the fence. The scene was a number of naked men fighting. Two of the men who now were lying on the ground had exceptionally large penises. Everyone wanted to share what they saw on their social media accounts as they were taking videos and snapping photos, including me. Hahaha.

The next scene I recall was going to a place where my high school supposedly was. The feeling about the school is familiar, but the way or the path going there wasn’t. A teenager guided me through looping jeepney rides and gates. I wondered how my alma mater suddenly became a labyrinth. He explained that the roads have been reconstructed. I wasn’t sure where he took me after school, I couldn’t remember much about that part.

Next I found myself climbing up my Aunt Lorena’s place. I don’t remember now who was that kid with us but there was a little kid watching tv with us. I couldn’t remember what the show was about. But as I was watching it some of my thoughts flew to ELK.

I was having tea in the afternoon when Georgy Porgy by Toto came to my consciousness so I looked for it on Spotify so I could listen to it. One look at the album cover took me back to the phallic dream, which could mean my train of thought never really left that dream. The song was released in the year I was born.


I was writing down my dream in my dream journal a while ago when something struck me – the name Loren. Prior to listening to Georgy Porgy, I had clicked on an email from Maria Loren about Archangel Gabriel. (Yeah, it was the same angel who appeared to Mary and Elizabeth.) I was trying to post a screenshot of that email when I noticed I kept getting Loren misspelled, like it was trying to impress itself in my memory.


Must have been around 7pm when I rode a cab home. I had flashes of that vision I had back in 2011 about a  curly-haired girl, 5-year or 7-year-old, who had my eyes and about July. Maybe the phallic dream may have reminded me of some sort of epiphany – that whoever that curly-top will be in the future, she’s probably a July-born or Leo Sun entity.



When The Impossible Happens

There are times I get into a zone where insights come freely. Then there are thoughts that keep nagging at the back of my mind and I just have to write about it so I can have a restful sleep. I sometimes catch myself wondering about the when-the-impossible-happens kind of dream with Elk. My preoccupation with prophetic dreams go back to past experiences with my dreams and Elk’s proving to be prescient. 

I initially interpreted the recent dream about him as a chance for us to be friends again (inspite of myself). Having encountered the Three of Cups as one of the cards in a specific “yes or no” reading a week before I had the dream, I had to be cautious about my head being in the clouds. I honestly do not think it’s possible for us to be friends again because of our tainted history. 

After a week it struck me that another layer of the dream could mean that an unexpected event could suddenly erase or wipe away all the anger I felt about the past situation or reboot my system to forgive and forget. But what doesn’t make sense is how easy it all seemed to happen. It’s so impossible for it to be that easy so I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it could simply be wishful thinking. 

If I look into dreams as being heavy on feelings, I guess the impossible can happen. I cannot shake off the feeling or the “knowing” that some sort of breakthrough is happening but I just can’t wrap my head around it. To guard against self-imposed projections, I do constantly try to be still and quiet within and avoid sensory overload. 

I feel differently about this turning point of a dream. It behooves me to be careful about how I might treat the situation lest my demons threaten to wreak havoc again when the impossible happens. 


The start of the week found me in a quiescent state. I literally didn’t have to spend money trying to escape or entertain myself because I am bored with what a waste of effort and money that is. Basically, I am diving again to the observer phase, i.e., watch my roller-coaster emotions go up and down while trying to remain neutral about them. Kinda like going outside of the problem so I can see everything in a better perspective.

Yay to the financially frugal part! Hurray even more to the realistic self-acceptance and letting the Universe do its process. Yes, I acquiesced to that despite still having so many questions in my head. I can’t let go of the questions, however. Not being curious would kill me.

Another thing that’s changed are the circumstances I attracted. I recently found an old friend from years ago whom I couldn’t believe has matured (she’s a cousin of an old friend and she was still 10 or 12 years old when I first knew her). I generally don’t like meeting old friends or acquaintances from the past because I can sniff their emptiness, ennui and hedonistic qualities miles away but surprisingly, this friend has grown to be pragmatic yet an out-of-the-box thinker. In turn, I didn’t have to pretend what the years have done to me psychologically. I was also able to chat for a while with another friend who just broke up with his boyfriend. Misery loves company, doesn’t it? I didn’t need to ask him the how, though; I could already relate to him because of the same healing process we’re currently going through on our own.

So, I am gonna relish this quiescent state for what it is.

Fuck Normal

Sleep is the best friend of depression and the latter makes the remaining waking hours unbelievably tedious. I can count the people I trust with my secretive life in one hand but in this intense dark night of the soul period, I am the only friend I can trust. The current inner work I’m in, believe me, requires such and no awakened soul walked this earth without enduring intense periods of self-purification and rebirth in solitude. How do awakened souls survive it? They survived by being piercingly honest with themselves.

It feels awkward telling a friend, “how do you move on from someone who will still be a part of your future because he has been central to a major angelic prophecy in your life?” Or even, “how do you reconcile with the fact you once fucked up and went against the angels’/guides’ counsel?” It’s even more painful to bear when you know you only saw the bigger chaos four years after losing what you held dear; what’s been constantly hounding you quietly about the past’s shallow victory has finally come to light and it doesn’t accept excuses for a band-aid fix this time.

The reason I am wading in the waters of depression is because I made shortcuts, lied to myself because I wanted to be “normal”, didn’t honor the calling of my heart because I wanted to be “normal”, defied my higher Self because I wanted to be “normal”, etc. Fuck normal.

When I cry out my pain, I do feel relief. And then it’s back to the doubting game of logic wins again and unknowingly taking apart the divine good structure of just letting it be.

This has been an intense week for me so far. I was faced again with the painful truth that I have been shielding myself from for a long time –  that I could escape what I’ve always known (as opposed to ‘believed’) and look elsewhere for other answers. This whole uncovering process now suddenly feels like I’ve been the one turning the knife inside of me all these years. 
It was pretty innocuous and benign at first. I thought observing my depression via memory recall and letting it pass through my consciousness was enough. I hadn’t even scratched the surface. For a few days I felt relief as I was working through my past self-denial. The tears came later as the truth became clearer – I cannot and should not ignore what my heart has known all along. 
While deleting some unimportant emails tonight, I came across this weekly angel reading for me for next week – Oct 24-Oct 30 from  

The most important part of this is about trusting in the signs that you receive from the angels and also trusting in yourself and your own inner knowledge. Raziel can help you to understand the symbols and spiritual truths that may be coming to you during meditation or whilst sleeping. Ask him for his assistance and he will enable you to bring the information into your awareness so you can better understand it.

Raziel is wonderful if you wish to understand ideas that defy normal logic. Listen to some calming music and ask for Archangel Raziel to be by your side. If there is anything in your life right now that you would like more clarity about, or that you may be confused about right now, ask for him to bring you through understanding about this. He can help to expand your everyday thinking, so that you can see situations from a fresh perspective. This is best done at night time, before sleeping as Raziel often communicates in the dream state and he can help you to learn knowledge and information during this time.


Normal logic and the esoteric nature of the message is exactly the originator of my compounding doubts. I don’t currently see any sign that what my heart has known for a long time is happening. Nada. Well, if anything, the circumstances show the opposite. This is where patience and faith play a mighty role in because trusting what you don’t see makes you go cuckoo. 


The breakthrough I have experienced lately has to do mainly with the word discipline. It’s easy to talk and write about what the affirmation and manifestation of discipline is but the caveat is it’s so hard to put it in practice due to our choices and personal habits.

I’ve realised these past few days that some ventures I go into don’t result in the success I expected mainly because I usually jump into joining an online program without reading ALL of its whats and hows. I’ve also had this insight that I use my other hobbies as an escape to face the dire consequences of the steps I failed to follow when entering an online program. I’m sure I’m not the only one experiencing these attempts at paradigm shifts and grasping at straws when it comes to the dreaded execution phase. Another culprit is this current generation of mental over stimulation and short attention span aggravated by new technology surrounding us. It seems some of the time we forget the gem of a process called “one at a time”.

Now that there’s a conscious breakthrough with this paradigm shift, I should dare myself to make good with the execution phase. Wish me luck.




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