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I did have a memorable and significant dream about ELK last night after wondering whether this month would end without him gracing my nocturnal world. I wrote about it a few hours after I woke up; it was an easy dream to trace and it was short but sweet. I could care less what it meant; my wish was fulfilled. After writing down the dream in my journal, it occurred to me there was a pattern in the dates across the significant dreams he was in. I had a dream about ELK on the days(because I get dreams during daytime nap, too)/nights of November 24th, December 24th and January 24th. I know I was told the 24th year from my 15th year would be the culmination of the “prophecy”. In the December 24th dream, the number 24 was apparent in the form of dozen eggs he purchased which miraculously doubled.

Towards dusk my insecurities surfaced and it made me reflect with a heavy heart on how the last hurdle can be even more painful it makes you want to give up. You feel like no light can shine through the difficulties you’re experiencing, including those even you created in your mind. But a courageous part of you remains strong because somehow it knows things will turn out right, you just don’t know how it will.

Case in point – I was heading to a coffee shop for coffee  while in this gloomy reverie and the line of a song I heard when I pushed the door open was, “I wanna see you be brave” from Sarah Bareilles’s song, Brave.

Never give up, thrice they told me. 

 

‎LXXVII

I have encountered the number 77 repeatedly since last week but the sign seems to have reached to a peak for the past two days. Unwittingly I would be alerted to the number 77 on my phone. I knew I had checked out the numerology meaning before for this repetition constantly demanding my attention but I decided to do a Google search again last night to refresh my memory.

The website ANGEL NUMBERS – Joanne Sacred Scribes has this to say about seeing number 77 repeatedly:

Angel Number 77 indicates that you have listened to Divine guidance and are now putting that wisdom to work in your day-to-day life. Your desires and wishes are coming to fruition in your life as a direct result of your actions and positive attitude to life, and the time has come to reap the rewards for your diligence and determined efforts. You are being commended by the angels as your successes are inspiring and uplifting. You are helping and teaching others by being a positive example for others to follow.

Angel Number 77 indicates that you are being congratulated and your efforts have been well noted by the angelic and spiritual realms. You are on the right life path and are living and serving your Divine life purpose as guided. Due to your efforts, discernment and good choices, your just rewards are on the way into your life. Your angels ask you to ‘keep up the great work!’

Angel Number 77 is a very positive sign and tells you to expect miracles to occur in your life.

Just when I thought nothing was actually moving as fast as I expected, I am glad I encountered this uplifting reminder. I did doubt my abilities a little because I didn’t feel I was going anywhere with my efforts.

Because of my encounter with number 77, I was reminded of another number my angels would constantly remind me about – the number 2. The number 2 has led me to several revelations as of late and I have this feeling it will continue to guide me in the future for answers I still have regarding the angels’ prophecy.

 

Less is More

I’ve been wondering why I have not had any major dreams about ELK this month. I did have a dream this month where he had a minor part in it but when the setting and other details are vague I tend to dismiss the dream as irrelevant. I guess I would only count those dreams I have of him where I can wake up from them feeling desperate wishing for him to be present and cursing the daylight for arriving too soon.

Seeing as I did not even record it in my dream journal the dream in which he had a minor part in, I am glad my memory has not failed me a bit. To provide a context for it, I have worked with my mini moldavite stone during that period. There was a much more grandiose setting and plot in that set of dreams which involved engaging the power of crystals in an ancient tribe war that ELK part appeared to be a mere insert. His presence there seemed more of a voice rather than a physical one – I heard him speak to me and I did miss hearing his voice. He sounded friendly towards me as if he was already comfortable around me; I could feel the smile in his voice. The last thing I could trace in that dream was him asking what I called a million dollar question which started with HOW and ended with GIRL which translated to me as him asking me how does a guy get back the attention of a girl. I didn’t know how I answered him because the dream ended and I was probably speechless anyway.

Because I tend to rationalise things, I did surmise lately that I may have been having less significant dreams about him lately because I have had my dreams of him from two months ago (and even his dreams about me years ago) interpreted by someone who has vast knowledge in dream analysis than I do. It changed my perspective a great deal about my whole journey.

As I am writing this, I am awaiting two more dream interpretations due in 3 days. It was so empowering and liberating to know the layers of perspective that opened up before me all because I gave my chance to question and actively look for answers. The eye-opening theme of the period must be the reason why I have not had any significant dream about ELK. I don’t know if it’s significant to also point out that the last two dreams about him involved hearing his voice a lot.

 

Point of No Return

So I thought I was relieved how liberating it has felt that not only was I shown the bigger picture but also made to understand it. Then as I scrutinised my oscillating emotional responses to each insight I get, I’ve come to a conclusion that the more I see and understand the bigger picture, the bigger my responsibility has become. This conclusion is one of many, perhaps.

The more aware we become, the more responsibility we take on when we relate to others. It is a point of no return; I cannot go back to being bitter and close-minded. It feels almost akin to sin for me to even entertain thoughts about an unfair world because it is in essence a lie. And as Osho would have it, “the only sin is not being honest with one’s self”. Even my weeping seems to have a progression chart of its own. When I had cried before for feelings of loss or heartbreak and rejection, I now find myself crying because of humility – because, at last, I felt “human” and could admit that I was wrong to assume love was not there in the first place.

As I follow bread crumbs of insights, my heart swells with every undiscovered truth and much more so because the truth was mutually felt. I only have months to wait for the culmination of the angels’/guides’ message. However tempting it is to rest on my laurels, the better part of me resists because I know another set of bigger challenges is coming up.

I found that whenever I lose my faith, I lose my footing as well. Last week I encountered a quote in a cellphone cover that came into my possession yet I still was not convinced it was a timely sign meant for me.


Like Einstein, I either know things or don’t know things at all; I’m uncomfortable with the word “believe” as there’s knowing from feeling and intuition. I know by intuition when something’s fucked up and not right, so believing in positive thinking is pointless.

Last night I went through my smorgasbord of a GMail inbox (they advertise these apps to make you organised yet I always unconsciously deviate from being organised) and came across  an Angel Message For The Week subscription e-mail from Maria Loren for the week of December 26th – January 1st.

This Week’s Message:

This card is a sign for that blessings are on the way to you and that you are going to have your material needs met to manifest your goals! You may have found recently that a few worries have arisen about material concerns, but Archangel Ariel brings you through a message to have faith in the flow of life.

Very often the angels will communicate to you through your feelings, and this may come as feelings of knowing, thoughts that come into your mind or inspired ideas. As you follow these messages and your intuition, you will find that your material needs will be met along the way, even if you don’t understand how. Allow the ‘how’ to be take care of by the angels and step into a sense of knowing that it will happen for you. Visualise your dreams manifesting and know that you truly can achieve whatever you have your heart set upon! Sometimes it just takes a little faith and trust.

I discovered that I did miss an e-mail requesting an invoice for translation services on the 28th of December. I don’t know how I missed it in my notifications but Mercury Retrograde had its way. I was only able to reply to the e-mail yesterday afternoon with the invoice. I wanted to kick myself for waiting until January 2nd to send it.

That quote did not come to me by accident. I can’t help but think it reached me because I did miss checking my e-mails that day and missed that angel message that week.

Parallels

I can’t believe why any otherworldly entity would repeatedly tell you in advance that you should never give up because they already knew the bigger picture – that you would fuck up an already fucked up circumstance many years later. How many humans on earth would get to experience that? Not many, I guess. In hindsight, I repeat, I was told I was doomed to mess up an already tragic situation. On the other hand, it made me feel more forgiving of myself and of him to whom I placed most of the blame on for being so weak. Tell me, how did Judas take it after he was told he was gonna fuck up the Messiah’s self-fulfilling prophecy and never realized his mistake (which was meant to happen DUH) until after it happened?

We were mere puppets. But what’s the point of making me aware of the truth now? The milk has been spilt. Hurtful words have been exchanged. True feelings have been sacrificed and hearts and trust have been broken, seemingly irreparable in fact. We attract what we are, so it was said. But I was told a message 22 years ago and I thought I was so special; on the contrary, I carried a huge responsibility more akin to a curse than a blessing.

When I was 14, I was able to communicate to otherworldly beings for a short while (3 months, give or take). Of course I think less now of how it still boggles me how it happened because it happened and there was no question about it. I had a neighbour once who could sense what I was going through and all he could reveal to me was I was granted access to seeing and communicating with them because I was in an altered state of consciousness. He could sense I had trust issues and that I was more right-brained but was in danger of letting logic take over. I hate it when I don’t understand what I am getting into.

So what was the message? Three signs of the number 29, attention to number 2 or the “second”, 15 and 24 (this was more explained by the otherworldly entities as ages if they were human beings on earth as two of them appeared), to follow my heart, and three times being told a glaring message, “NEVER GIVE UP”. Sounds so simple, right? Not. Why would anyone tell you not to give up unless they knew you would be getting into a very difficult situation which demands you to navigate exceptional circumstances with a more heart-centered paradigm? So, yes, as I said above I have trust issues and I do not take kindly to obeying first and getting an explanation later.

22 years later it would indeed prove to be my Kobayashi Maru, but it was also imperative that I go through it even if there was no winning over it. I fucked it up, of course. Well done. I resent that I didn’t know what they knew and I ended up destructing everything for all of us to start with a clean slate. They knew there would be a child involved; I didn’t know that although I felt it but couldn’t explain it. Souls getting entrance into earth as human beings are NEVER an accident. Did you think it was an accident your parents successfully brought you here? The universe doesn’t play dice. They knew this; I didn’t. No one could tell me or explain to me what I was about to go through. I had to rely on my own. I wished it were as convenient as taking it in from a book but it wasn’t.

I felt stupid this afternoon when the puzzle of the parallels hit me. The otherworldly entities often alerted me to pay attention to the “second” and that there have always been 2. I didn’t know what this meant until it became clear the parallels that ELK and I went through. When the otherworldly entities appeared in 1994, one appeared shortly after another and I had wondered at the time why there was a need for 2 when 1 spiritual guide would often suffice. Now I understood they were demonstrating it as if in a role play. Only two men ever did take my heart and, well, in my lifetime I only did sleep with two (I guess without knowing it I did actually follow the path and followed my heart – so it was written, so it will be done). The second felt more of a soulmate connection than the first. (Pay attention to the second.) On ELK’s part, shortly before I came into his life there was someone else who would beat me to his bed but could not captivate the deepest soul connection he yearned. I came in second but with the biggest impact on his life.

All this time I have been made to face the unpleasant emotion relating to some part of me that could not forgive him. The theme even showed up in my dream about him. What this puzzle of parallels have gifted me is the gift of forgiveness and understanding that comes more from the heart. You see, it’s not easy for me to forgive and forget.

It’s a small breakthrough but I still don’t understand where the “NEVER GIVE UP” comes in. What’s even more damning is even though my head can think of giving up, my heart can’t. This is why I cry myself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

A Knight

Sometimes the crystals call my attention to a specific memory in the past. This week they suddenly called my attention to two memories with emphasis on the feelings I experienced when they happened – one was in 2012 and the second in 2010. Over time some details do get blurry but the feelings, however, don’t.

I had been frequenting Starbucks like two or three times in a week as of late because I just felt like it. In one of those visits, I remembered a painful memory back in 2014 or early 2015 I think. I identified the seat where I found out posted pictures of a new girlfriend. It became apparent to me then that I still had feelings for him, yet I also noticed something felt off about the whole relationship. I tried to replace him in my heart by thinking of someone else. Now in 2016, it amazes me how I don’t feel that searing heartache from back in 2014.

Another work week passed and the coffee shop would pop up in my head. I thought it was just the coffee, until two days ago when a long forgotten memory near Starbucks in Sydney CBD was dredged up. I remembered that tender moment but I question why I didn’t recall the same memory back in 2014. In that Starbucks CBD memory, I think we stopped at another bus stop way ahead his usual stop in the morning before going to work. Must have been some kind of bad traffic going on that day or just buses rerouted, I’m not sure now which one it was. As I was unfamiliar, I asked him which way I should go to get to Starbucks. He told me so but before we parted, we kissed as was customary. But there was something tender about that moment which perhaps only our eyes and souls knew aside from the fact that his body language communicated in a way that I would not forget he wanted a kiss before he gets to work. I don’t know why I was being made to recall that memory.

A day after that Starbucks CBD memory surfaced, I was made to recall another memory again – the Guadalupe internet café in November 2010. I had not met him then and we had been chatting for 2 months. I kept forgetting to check that particular email thread because my mind would get distracted by other stuff but something ceaselessly reminded me to check. Earlier today I finally listened and focused on searching for that email thread. It wasn’t hard to pinpoint which thread it was. Again, some details are blurry but the feelings speak volumes; I still even question how I got to that internet café in Guadalupe when it was quite far out from where I resided at the time. A few things stood out in the email thread that I was surprised I had totally forgotten and then my heart stopped and knew this was the reason this particular memory was dredged up:

I dreamt of you again.

When I woke up earlier I kept falling back to sleep again so after waking up initially I had like 2 more dreams. You appeared briefly after the first dream. I was standing in some sort of balcony waiting for someone and it seemed I had waited too long. Then you appeared below, in a Knight's garb, sword and all. :o I don't remember if there was any armour! Anyways you told me reassuringly that no matter how long I'd wait, you'd always be there in the end, that you would always make it.

Georgy Porgy

I had a phallic dream last night and all morning I had totally forgotten about it. It wasn’t until this afternoon when I remembered it again because of an autosuggested song from the universe in the form of Toto’s Georgy Porgy.

The dream went like this:

I chanced upon this location for the shooting set of Game of Thrones (I honestly have never watched any GoT episode ever) and I saw a lot of onlookers by the fence. The scene was a number of naked men fighting. Two of the men who now were lying on the ground had exceptionally large penises. Everyone wanted to share what they saw on their social media accounts as they were taking videos and snapping photos, including me. Hahaha.

The next scene I recall was going to a place where my high school supposedly was. The feeling about the school is familiar, but the way or the path going there wasn’t. A teenager guided me through looping jeepney rides and gates. I wondered how my alma mater suddenly became a labyrinth. He explained that the roads have been reconstructed. I wasn’t sure where he took me after school, I couldn’t remember much about that part.

Next I found myself climbing up my Aunt Lorena’s place. I don’t remember now who was that kid with us but there was a little kid watching tv with us. I couldn’t remember what the show was about. But as I was watching it some of my thoughts flew to ELK.

I was having tea in the afternoon when Georgy Porgy by Toto came to my consciousness so I looked for it on Spotify so I could listen to it. One look at the album cover took me back to the phallic dream, which could mean my train of thought never really left that dream. The song was released in the year I was born.

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I was writing down my dream in my dream journal a while ago when something struck me – the name Loren. Prior to listening to Georgy Porgy, I had clicked on an email from Maria Loren about Archangel Gabriel. (Yeah, it was the same angel who appeared to Mary and Elizabeth.) I was trying to post a screenshot of that email when I noticed I kept getting Loren misspelled, like it was trying to impress itself in my memory.

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Must have been around 7pm when I rode a cab home. I had flashes of that vision I had back in 2011 about a  curly-haired girl, 5-year or 7-year-old, who had my eyes and about July. Maybe the phallic dream may have reminded me of some sort of epiphany – that whoever that curly-top will be in the future, she’s probably a July-born or Leo Sun entity.

 

 

Hong Kong All Over Again

I cried myself to sleep last night and with a heavy heart. I was getting emotional, sensitive  and paranoid. It made sense why I got the Nine of Swords yesterday as the tarot card of the day, the drama queen card. 

I kept asking the heavens, “Why did you choose me?” I’ve been asking that question for 22 years. I broke down for the nth time because the way forward is not so clear despite the reassuring signs I am getting. It was like Hong Kong all over again where I was feeling that listening to my heart was imperative – everywhere I went I was bombarded with endless reminders even when nothing in the physical world proved it. 

It’s been too long that I wonder what the hell is this crazy master plan to hold on and never give up. (Yes, obviously I am entertaining my darker doubts again.) I am no Mary nor Elizabeth who would not dare question the angel apparitions, much less the messages the angels imparted. 

I have looked everywhere for answers but, ultimately, I feel only the Masters can satisfy my queries. If they have already given me answers, I must have missed them because I feared I was losing my mind. Most of all, I am guarding myself from fabricating unneccesary illusions. 

So hating this last stretch of 2016. 2017 may be one year more of lonely years in the desert. 

I Know What I Feel To Be Right

Because of my anxiety to pinpoint what the dream about Elk meant, I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t ask for help in interpreting it. I know I could be biased because of my past connection with Elk so I thought it best if someone outside my situation could shed light on what it meant. I didn’t like the idea of waiting until February to find out what it meant as I might be widening the margin for impulsive mistakes again like I did four years ago.

I was glad I made that decision. The dream interpretation was enlightening, opened my eyes to a newer perspective and, more importantly, allowed me to look deeper inside my psyche. I told myself I have nothing to lose if I dive further into the abyss of my fears and anxieties. The caveat, however, was realizing I am still not immune to other people’s opinions of right and wrong about the choices I make. I realized I’m still sensitive to what my friends might think. Despite learning a part of myself which I didn’t want to discover before, I felt I took too many steps back. And this was one of the root causes of my misgivings before – that I listened too much to unsolicited advice and my friends’ black and white versions of blanket security reality.

What stumps me is that we sometimes have this tendency to judge other people and opine about a viable could-have-been alternative decision even when we know little about their lives and their feelings. But when the tables are turned and time demands that we choose, 100% of the time we do so with our heart anyway. What gives? I’m starting to think my IQ is getting lower.

Midway into writing this post, I decided to listen again to Paul McCartney’s No More Lonely Nights. The song’s been stuck in my head for a while and I don’t know what was the point of the Universe in making me listen to it over and over. Until I got to the part where Paul sang “…’cause I know what I feel to be right…” and it felt like that message was magnified.

 

 

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