Tag Archive: ELK


So lately the cosmos has alerted me to a flashback – specifically that Hong Kong birthday trip I took last year which stood out in my memory mainly because the keyword was pain. When I get repetitive alerts like this I know that there’s an important planetary transit at work. With the help of the Time Passages mobile app I have been able to study and read through some of my current planetary transits although I must admit it was a kind of reading material that was coarse at best. At least until the transit has passed, the effects described can only be understood in hindsight. I am writing about it exactly for that reason.

What really happened during my Hong Kong getaway? For some unknown reason at the time I felt like the memory of ELK was everywhere and I could not escape from it. In hindsight, I did think that it wasn’t him but it was more of how I dealt with my emotional issues regarding our fallout a long time ago. It was so excruciating. I remember castigating myself for still feeling something special towards him when last I heard in 2014 he was in a relationship. I guess that time alone made my denial – that I shouldn’t really care about him anymore because he had shut me out since that fallout –  more magnified, more urgent and pervasive than ever when seen against the broader point of view. Two things were clear: I was hopeless and, secondly, I was lying to myself.

Here’s the planetary transit as outlined in my Time Passages chart:

Processed with MOLDIV

 

Transit was strongest between April 20, 2016 and November 26, 2016. Curious that the resurgence of dreams about ELK started on November 7, 2016. The second period outlined was between January 31, 2017 and April 24, 2017. I remember sometime between late January and early February having an epiphany about how knowing what I already know provided an impetus for me to move forward honoring what my heart has always felt and let go of attempts to circumvent my spiritual progress. I remember writing about being in a point of no return. On the home front, the nagging feeling that I should speed up my plan to be independent and leave the comfort of living with my parents and siblings was so strong.

These overwhelming feelings prompted me to check on him on his social media account in October 2016. The couple pictures were deleted. He did look different in his pictures.

I did have a memorable and significant dream about ELK last night after wondering whether this month would end without him gracing my nocturnal world. I wrote about it a few hours after I woke up; it was an easy dream to trace and it was short but sweet. I could care less what it meant; my wish was fulfilled. After writing down the dream in my journal, it occurred to me there was a pattern in the dates across the significant dreams he was in. I had a dream about ELK on the days(because I get dreams during daytime nap, too)/nights of November 24th, December 24th and January 24th. I know I was told the 24th year from my 15th year would be the culmination of the “prophecy”. In the December 24th dream, the number 24 was apparent in the form of dozen eggs he purchased which miraculously doubled.

Towards dusk my insecurities surfaced and it made me reflect with a heavy heart on how the last hurdle can be even more painful it makes you want to give up. You feel like no light can shine through the difficulties you’re experiencing, including those even you created in your mind. But a courageous part of you remains strong because somehow it knows things will turn out right, you just don’t know how it will.

Case in point – I was heading to a coffee shop for coffee  while in this gloomy reverie and the line of a song I heard when I pushed the door open was, “I wanna see you be brave” from Sarah Bareilles’s song, Brave.

Never give up, thrice they told me. 

 

Less is More

I’ve been wondering why I have not had any major dreams about ELK this month. I did have a dream this month where he had a minor part in it but when the setting and other details are vague I tend to dismiss the dream as irrelevant. I guess I would only count those dreams I have of him where I can wake up from them feeling desperate wishing for him to be present and cursing the daylight for arriving too soon.

Seeing as I did not even record it in my dream journal the dream in which he had a minor part in, I am glad my memory has not failed me a bit. To provide a context for it, I have worked with my mini moldavite stone during that period. There was a much more grandiose setting and plot in that set of dreams which involved engaging the power of crystals in an ancient tribe war that ELK part appeared to be a mere insert. His presence there seemed more of a voice rather than a physical one – I heard him speak to me and I did miss hearing his voice. He sounded friendly towards me as if he was already comfortable around me; I could feel the smile in his voice. The last thing I could trace in that dream was him asking what I called a million dollar question which started with HOW and ended with GIRL which translated to me as him asking me how does a guy get back the attention of a girl. I didn’t know how I answered him because the dream ended and I was probably speechless anyway.

Because I tend to rationalise things, I did surmise lately that I may have been having less significant dreams about him lately because I have had my dreams of him from two months ago (and even his dreams about me years ago) interpreted by someone who has vast knowledge in dream analysis than I do. It changed my perspective a great deal about my whole journey.

As I am writing this, I am awaiting two more dream interpretations due in 3 days. It was so empowering and liberating to know the layers of perspective that opened up before me all because I gave my chance to question and actively look for answers. The eye-opening theme of the period must be the reason why I have not had any significant dream about ELK. I don’t know if it’s significant to also point out that the last two dreams about him involved hearing his voice a lot.

 

Parallels

I can’t believe why any otherworldly entity would repeatedly tell you in advance that you should never give up because they already knew the bigger picture – that you would fuck up an already fucked up circumstance many years later. How many humans on earth would get to experience that? Not many, I guess. In hindsight, I repeat, I was told I was doomed to mess up an already tragic situation. On the other hand, it made me feel more forgiving of myself and of him to whom I placed most of the blame on for being so weak. Tell me, how did Judas take it after he was told he was gonna fuck up the Messiah’s self-fulfilling prophecy and never realized his mistake (which was meant to happen DUH) until after it happened?

We were mere puppets. But what’s the point of making me aware of the truth now? The milk has been spilt. Hurtful words have been exchanged. True feelings have been sacrificed and hearts and trust have been broken, seemingly irreparable in fact. We attract what we are, so it was said. But I was told a message 22 years ago and I thought I was so special; on the contrary, I carried a huge responsibility more akin to a curse than a blessing.

When I was 14, I was able to communicate to otherworldly beings for a short while (3 months, give or take). Of course I think less now of how it still boggles me how it happened because it happened and there was no question about it. I had a neighbour once who could sense what I was going through and all he could reveal to me was I was granted access to seeing and communicating with them because I was in an altered state of consciousness. He could sense I had trust issues and that I was more right-brained but was in danger of letting logic take over. I hate it when I don’t understand what I am getting into.

So what was the message? Three signs of the number 29, attention to number 2 or the “second”, 15 and 24 (this was more explained by the otherworldly entities as ages if they were human beings on earth as two of them appeared), to follow my heart, and three times being told a glaring message, “NEVER GIVE UP”. Sounds so simple, right? Not. Why would anyone tell you not to give up unless they knew you would be getting into a very difficult situation which demands you to navigate exceptional circumstances with a more heart-centered paradigm? So, yes, as I said above I have trust issues and I do not take kindly to obeying first and getting an explanation later.

22 years later it would indeed prove to be my Kobayashi Maru, but it was also imperative that I go through it even if there was no winning over it. I fucked it up, of course. Well done. I resent that I didn’t know what they knew and I ended up destructing everything for all of us to start with a clean slate. They knew there would be a child involved; I didn’t know that although I felt it but couldn’t explain it. Souls getting entrance into earth as human beings are NEVER an accident. Did you think it was an accident your parents successfully brought you here? The universe doesn’t play dice. They knew this; I didn’t. No one could tell me or explain to me what I was about to go through. I had to rely on my own. I wished it were as convenient as taking it in from a book but it wasn’t.

I felt stupid this afternoon when the puzzle of the parallels hit me. The otherworldly entities often alerted me to pay attention to the “second” and that there have always been 2. I didn’t know what this meant until it became clear the parallels that ELK and I went through. When the otherworldly entities appeared in 1994, one appeared shortly after another and I had wondered at the time why there was a need for 2 when 1 spiritual guide would often suffice. Now I understood they were demonstrating it as if in a role play. Only two men ever did take my heart and, well, in my lifetime I only did sleep with two (I guess without knowing it I did actually follow the path and followed my heart – so it was written, so it will be done). The second felt more of a soulmate connection than the first. (Pay attention to the second.) On ELK’s part, shortly before I came into his life there was someone else who would beat me to his bed but could not captivate the deepest soul connection he yearned. I came in second but with the biggest impact on his life.

All this time I have been made to face the unpleasant emotion relating to some part of me that could not forgive him. The theme even showed up in my dream about him. What this puzzle of parallels have gifted me is the gift of forgiveness and understanding that comes more from the heart. You see, it’s not easy for me to forgive and forget.

It’s a small breakthrough but I still don’t understand where the “NEVER GIVE UP” comes in. What’s even more damning is even though my head can think of giving up, my heart can’t. This is why I cry myself to sleep.

 

 

 

 

A Knight

Sometimes the crystals call my attention to a specific memory in the past. This week they suddenly called my attention to two memories with emphasis on the feelings I experienced when they happened – one was in 2012 and the second in 2010. Over time some details do get blurry but the feelings, however, don’t.

I had been frequenting Starbucks like two or three times in a week as of late because I just felt like it. In one of those visits, I remembered a painful memory back in 2014 or early 2015 I think. I identified the seat where I found out posted pictures of a new girlfriend. It became apparent to me then that I still had feelings for him, yet I also noticed something felt off about the whole relationship. I tried to replace him in my heart by thinking of someone else. Now in 2016, it amazes me how I don’t feel that searing heartache from back in 2014.

Another work week passed and the coffee shop would pop up in my head. I thought it was just the coffee, until two days ago when a long forgotten memory near Starbucks in Sydney CBD was dredged up. I remembered that tender moment but I question why I didn’t recall the same memory back in 2014. In that Starbucks CBD memory, I think we stopped at another bus stop way ahead his usual stop in the morning before going to work. Must have been some kind of bad traffic going on that day or just buses rerouted, I’m not sure now which one it was. As I was unfamiliar, I asked him which way I should go to get to Starbucks. He told me so but before we parted, we kissed as was customary. But there was something tender about that moment which perhaps only our eyes and souls knew aside from the fact that his body language communicated in a way that I would not forget he wanted a kiss before he gets to work. I don’t know why I was being made to recall that memory.

A day after that Starbucks CBD memory surfaced, I was made to recall another memory again – the Guadalupe internet café in November 2010. I had not met him then and we had been chatting for 2 months. I kept forgetting to check that particular email thread because my mind would get distracted by other stuff but something ceaselessly reminded me to check. Earlier today I finally listened and focused on searching for that email thread. It wasn’t hard to pinpoint which thread it was. Again, some details are blurry but the feelings speak volumes; I still even question how I got to that internet café in Guadalupe when it was quite far out from where I resided at the time. A few things stood out in the email thread that I was surprised I had totally forgotten and then my heart stopped and knew this was the reason this particular memory was dredged up:

I dreamt of you again.

When I woke up earlier I kept falling back to sleep again so after waking up initially I had like 2 more dreams. You appeared briefly after the first dream. I was standing in some sort of balcony waiting for someone and it seemed I had waited too long. Then you appeared below, in a Knight's garb, sword and all. :o I don't remember if there was any armour! Anyways you told me reassuringly that no matter how long I'd wait, you'd always be there in the end, that you would always make it.

I Know What I Feel To Be Right

Because of my anxiety to pinpoint what the dream about Elk meant, I knew I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t ask for help in interpreting it. I know I could be biased because of my past connection with Elk so I thought it best if someone outside my situation could shed light on what it meant. I didn’t like the idea of waiting until February to find out what it meant as I might be widening the margin for impulsive mistakes again like I did four years ago.

I was glad I made that decision. The dream interpretation was enlightening, opened my eyes to a newer perspective and, more importantly, allowed me to look deeper inside my psyche. I told myself I have nothing to lose if I dive further into the abyss of my fears and anxieties. The caveat, however, was realizing I am still not immune to other people’s opinions of right and wrong about the choices I make. I realized I’m still sensitive to what my friends might think. Despite learning a part of myself which I didn’t want to discover before, I felt I took too many steps back. And this was one of the root causes of my misgivings before – that I listened too much to unsolicited advice and my friends’ black and white versions of blanket security reality.

What stumps me is that we sometimes have this tendency to judge other people and opine about a viable could-have-been alternative decision even when we know little about their lives and their feelings. But when the tables are turned and time demands that we choose, 100% of the time we do so with our heart anyway. What gives? I’m starting to think my IQ is getting lower.

Midway into writing this post, I decided to listen again to Paul McCartney’s No More Lonely Nights. The song’s been stuck in my head for a while and I don’t know what was the point of the Universe in making me listen to it over and over. Until I got to the part where Paul sang “…’cause I know what I feel to be right…” and it felt like that message was magnified.

 

 

When The Impossible Happens

There are times I get into a zone where insights come freely. Then there are thoughts that keep nagging at the back of my mind and I just have to write about it so I can have a restful sleep. I sometimes catch myself wondering about the when-the-impossible-happens kind of dream with Elk. My preoccupation with prophetic dreams go back to past experiences with my dreams and Elk’s proving to be prescient. 

I initially interpreted the recent dream about him as a chance for us to be friends again (inspite of myself). Having encountered the Three of Cups as one of the cards in a specific “yes or no” reading a week before I had the dream, I had to be cautious about my head being in the clouds. I honestly do not think it’s possible for us to be friends again because of our tainted history. 

After a week it struck me that another layer of the dream could mean that an unexpected event could suddenly erase or wipe away all the anger I felt about the past situation or reboot my system to forgive and forget. But what doesn’t make sense is how easy it all seemed to happen. It’s so impossible for it to be that easy so I wouldn’t rule out the possibility that it could simply be wishful thinking. 

If I look into dreams as being heavy on feelings, I guess the impossible can happen. I cannot shake off the feeling or the “knowing” that some sort of breakthrough is happening but I just can’t wrap my head around it. To guard against self-imposed projections, I do constantly try to be still and quiet within and avoid sensory overload. 

I feel differently about this turning point of a dream. It behooves me to be careful about how I might treat the situation lest my demons threaten to wreak havoc again when the impossible happens. 

Stork

A particular detail has been bothering me for a week. Around the time I had that dream again about Elk, I’ve been seeing images of a species of a bird. The image of that yet unnamed bird (because I didn’t know it) kept jumping out at me. One or two instances doesn’t really bother me but more than three screams “urgent” and “listen” all over it. It bothered me even more that I didn’t even know its name.

One day the torture ended (or so I thought) when I mistook that unnamed bird for a swan. My cousin openly expressed my inner doubts by saying the bird I was looking for does not fit a swan. 

So last night I was overcome by my curiousity for a resolution once and for all and, alas, the bird that’s been calling my attention was a stork. I stood corrected. Suddenly my niece’s drawing about a little girl and a flower in the dream makes sense. 

The Key Perspective

I found myself waking up to an old memory but with a newer perspective. It probably was the previous post about “the key” that triggered the memory about a parallel “key” situation and some other memory nuggets, too.

For a while I had forgotten about the last time we saw each other. What I tagged in my memory as the last time was the last kiss. On the last day we saw each other, I was to return a KEY, a physical one this time, to him. During my stay with him, Elk gave me a duplicate key to his room in case I got back early from touring around the CBD. It was his father’s and the latter needed it back.

When he drove me to Revesby we sat mostly in silence. I was so engrossed in my own emotional issues that I had not bothered to address the larger problem looming above our heads. (I admit I hate this passive-aggressive side of me; it’s killing me.) It was hours after he left Revesby when I realized I still had the key in my pocket. I could return it via mail but I decided to go through the trouble of going back to the CBD to return it to him in person. I was not myself that day; my turbulent emotions painted a stark contrast to the short and uneventful meeting that took place.

I was struggling to remember if I ever kept a journal about that one time he sheepishly let it slip that he loved me. I did not think much about it then. This was a man who barely said I love you to his former partners. This was a man who admitted to me a few times that he has never cried so I could understand if all he could muster was a cloaked exuberance of “God, love ya!” But I didn’t want to assume I heard him right and, no, I had not even told him I loved him either.

#Perspective

“In all affairs it's a healthy thing now and then to hang a question mark on the things you have long taken for granted.” 

 - Bertrand Russell

 

August 25, 2011

Me: Then something about what I said before suddenly flashed before me.
About the key and the knife – the first dream I had about you had those symbols.
I don’t know if you recall what I told you before that you held an invisible key, that it was something I could use to answer some of my life’s questions.

Elk: Yup I remember that, we spoke about that a long time ago🙂

Me: I don’t know what that invisible key is, but before you can give me that key, I have to help you in some ways.
I had a strong feeling that what I experienced last night – that expansive feeling of freedom – had to do with that key.

Elk: Serious? You have to help me? The plot thickens! I don’t yet know how I need help… But I am sure I can help you.

 

1 YEAR and 6 MONTHS LATER….

 

Feb 13, 2013

Elk: It’s strange that you would send me a link, maybe that was not of your doing, but actually I had been thinking about you lately and in that thought space silently I said to myself, thank you. Though I didn’t like the way you abused my trust as I was always open and honest to you I have forgiven you, you did help me a lot. That’s what the thank you is about. Hope you are well.

 

 

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