Tag Archive: relationships

So lately the cosmos has alerted me to a flashback – specifically that Hong Kong birthday trip I took last year which stood out in my memory mainly because the keyword was pain. When I get repetitive alerts like this I know that there’s an important planetary transit at work. With the help of the Time Passages mobile app I have been able to study and read through some of my current planetary transits although I must admit it was a kind of reading material that was coarse at best. At least until the transit has passed, the effects described can only be understood in hindsight. I am writing about it exactly for that reason.

What really happened during my Hong Kong getaway? For some unknown reason at the time I felt like the memory of ELK was everywhere and I could not escape from it. In hindsight, I did think that it wasn’t him but it was more of how I dealt with my emotional issues regarding our fallout a long time ago. It was so excruciating. I remember castigating myself for still feeling something special towards him when last I heard in 2014 he was in a relationship. I guess that time alone made my denial – that I shouldn’t really care about him anymore because he had shut me out since that fallout –  more magnified, more urgent and pervasive than ever when seen against the broader point of view. Two things were clear: I was hopeless and, secondly, I was lying to myself.

Here’s the planetary transit as outlined in my Time Passages chart:

Processed with MOLDIV


Transit was strongest between April 20, 2016 and November 26, 2016. Curious that the resurgence of dreams about ELK started on November 7, 2016. The second period outlined was between January 31, 2017 and April 24, 2017. I remember sometime between late January and early February having an epiphany about how knowing what I already know provided an impetus for me to move forward honoring what my heart has always felt and let go of attempts to circumvent my spiritual progress. I remember writing about being in a point of no return. On the home front, the nagging feeling that I should speed up my plan to be independent and leave the comfort of living with my parents and siblings was so strong.

These overwhelming feelings prompted me to check on him on his social media account in October 2016. The couple pictures were deleted. He did look different in his pictures.


Beneath my aloof exterior, I always find it in my heart to thank the people whom at different stages in my life I had once been really close to. I feel that way because I could no longer last having conversations with old friends in the present. Some friends are all about themselves and when they decide it’s my turn to share stories, I cannot escape the thought that they still think they’re talking to the same naïve 16- or 20-year-old they used to know. It’s not cute and it’s far from flattering.

In some others I would experience another pet peeve – every time I run into them in a local shop they’d ask the same question as if on autopilot, Why haven’t I decided to settle down? They’ve equated smart girls with higher chances of getting a presentable partner. It’s like predicting that all who graduated at the top of the class would have easy access to the throne at the club of the affluent. My old friends and acquaintances unconsciously find ways for me to deliberately avoid them.

Word goes around quick in a smaller world like where I live in. I would subsequently hear updates from friends of friends of friends. When it all gets awkward face to face, I resort to a quirky way to stay updated. We are all responsible for information we publish online. I once did this recently out of the blue with a friend’s Instagram account. Easy peasy when the account is set to public.

Although I couldn’t stand chatting with her online for the reason that we’ve lost touch, have grown apart, and took different spiritual life paths, I felt happy for the positive turns her life has taken for the past few years. She deserves all of it and Saturn has rewarded her perseverance. I don’t always agree with how a pious Christian like her ascribes her success (because, really, it’s all a combobulation of stuff they deem inexplicable but which has already been revealed in the blueprint they carry at birth). Ay, there’s the rub.

Though I know I’ll never ever lose affection
for people and things that went before,
I know I’ll often stop and think about them.

– In My Life, Bette Midler



When a series of thoughts and events start to amass in my head I get this urge to do some purging  – that way I clear my head space and allow newer ruminations to float in there. Writing affords me this so-called purging.

Two days ago I had submitted myself to a little pondering on this widening-my-perspective question: What if I wasn’t too picky and the possibility of getting with XX was something I wasn’t so conflicted with? My eyes widened because I was startled at my own audacious proposition. Well, it’s not impossible really. But if I break down the implications of this tiny seed of thought, I actually hear a lot of contradictory voices.

My high school and college friends say I’m picky. But most of them are boring – more often than not they take what life gives them. I have specific visions of what I want in some areas of my life and I did reach some of them by being patient. Most of them rarely rely on visualization to work and so they take on what’s convenient for them. So really, being labeled ‘picky’ actually means I had more specific visions and do not really want to settle for less. That’s somehow an inconvenient truth to explain to them and I didn’t try to explain it to them for years because I believe we each have a spiritual responsibility to figure out our own truths and befriend our selves more.

And what do you know, the day after I had that bizarre what-if, I get a short message from XX who was once a special friend. It was basically a short “hope-you-and-your-family-are-safe-from-the-typhoon” note, to which I of course replied with a short thank you note stating I and my family are safe as our area was not affected. Although the stressed phrase of “just a short note” irked me because I was reading it as “It’s a short note and I really don’t want to chat”, it was heartwarming nonetheless. I really mean heartwarming as an understatement because I cannot deny how that short message brought back sexual undertones due to a strong Sun-Venus and Eighth House synastry aspects we have in our composition chart. So, yes, I can boldly admit I am sexually attracted to him. Sadly, because it’s the only strong aspect, it’s also not a very binding and lasting one. It makes me feel guilty that somehow it’s hard to look beyond sexual attraction with XX even though he is a really good guy and does not have a cheater history.

It’s disappointing, isn’t it? But you see, I am glad we are talking sporadically these days. We can both be picky and miss out on each other for very good reasons. In my heart I don’t actually feel he’s the one. It goes without saying it’s mutual on his part and it’s a good thing we both don’t have hangups about it.

By the end of my pondering, I had actually thought that if I already had a vision of my ideal, then it must exist.

I’m not picky, I just know I deserve something better.

Seesaw Interest


Image source: Barbarana Illustration

I guess there will always be some friends whom we kind of feel hot and cold at some point. However the point I am going to make is not solely based on that premise, rather it’s based on the second premise that we may or may not feel guilty about it.

I’ve known someone from Australia whom I’ve kinda gotten close to online for over a year. I had greeted him via WhatsApp last week on his birthday and it was the first time after a month that we chatted for a bit as he had been on a little vacation. He curtly said thanks and that he really appreciated my greeting. I didn’t reply then to his thank you message.

I was with my cousin later that afternoon in the bank to deposit some money when I saw another text message from him asking how I’ve been doing. I only got a chance to reply after 3 hours. I had wanted to reply by the time I got home but I got distracted by American Idol 12.

We did chat for a bit and then I got sidetracked by something else, which I don’t remember now what it was, that my mind was in buffering mode as to what comment I could tell him next in relation to the current topic of his birthplace, South Africa. A few days after that little chat, I found myself thinking over what I had been curious to ask him while I was making my way towards the coffee shop. I was curious about why his parents chose Australia to migrate to back in 1987. But guess what – I found myself putting off the idea of asking over and over until it’s already early Friday.

It’s not a life and death matter really; I’m concerned with my constant mental debate and its accompanying ambivalent feeling with regards to chatting with him again. The closest reason I could come up with is that I probably see him as someone intimidating despite his easygoing yet introvert nature.

I was alarmed at my interest and then sudden decline of interest at continuing the topic with him. I guess I feel guilty and weird that for some unknown reason I feel ambivalent towards him because there sure are some friends online with whom I don’t have this kind of experience at all.


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